Gadjo Dilo’s Peccadillos #4: Housewives, choice

Mrs Dilo’s away this week and so Gadjo’s mind again starts to wander a bit - and he also realises how the housework builds up during the course of seven days... And so, as we focus in ever closer on the ideal of perfect female luvliness, this time we’ll discuss the necessary qualities of The Housewife:

Jane Asher

Is it apocryphal or has Jane Asher really promoted more homecare products than any other housewife?? Jane must be pushing 70 by now but she’s still quite pretty. And that’s the problem. To be a proper housewife you’ve got to age properly. Jane looks fine because she’s got some Ecuadorian slave lady on 50p a month doing her chores for her - I bet she’s never unblocked the lav in her life!! Sorry, not impressed.

Sheena Easton

“My baby takes the morning train,
He works from nine till five and then
He takes another home again
To find me waitin’ for him”

She’s just been sitting there, waitin’ for him. Maybe she’s rearranged some things in the fridge or thought about doing the ironing, but she’s mainly been just waitin’, and we know what that means – right, lads? You’re exhausted but as soon as you get in you have to listen to her rabbiting on about who was going into Mrs Tibbs’ house, what was on Richard & Judy, and can she buy a new washing machine. D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

Dame Edna Everage

The self-proclaimed “Housewife Superstar". But is she? She’s certainly sturdy and has aged appropriately over time, but there’s something not quite right there and I can’t put my finger on it. Too much make-up, possibly.

Freddie Mercury

Something fishy going on here too but again I’m not sure what. Ah yes, I’ve got it now, it’s the hovering technique. Take a look: she doesn’t go under the sofa or the table. Move the chairs to the side, tell Gran to stand up for a minute... come on luv, it’s really not that difficult!

Sofia Loren

2nd time in for Sofia. She’s a statuesque and Cleopatra-nosed housewife in A Special Day, therefore fulfilling most of my previously elaborated criteria; (the chance to do some pole-vaulting in that film’s rooftop scene amongst the washing lines was missed, which I think was a mistake, but I’ll let it pass). The character she plays is dowdy, yet underneath a well of passion that’s been suppressed by years of domestic choirs and an unthinking twerp of a husband. Luvly.

Pam Grier

Pammie was always well-proportioned and in every way up there with Sofia according to my criteria. Admittedly, we’ve seen her more often toting a Colt 45 than an Electrolux Z1030C, but I reckon she could still do a job about the house - in fact she may be yearning for it after all those tough-girl rôles. The best thing Quentin Tarantino ever did was in Jackie Brown when he simply let the camera soak her up, often just walking from one place to another. It had been 20 years since she’d been a Blaxploitation Babe but she was luvlier than ever (though just imagine, just for a second, if she’d also been pushing a Eubank carpet sweeper at the time, mmm…). Yep, I think we’ve got a winner!

To end, here’s some of my favourite flamenco music; get a load of gypsy housewife La Perla de Cadiz:

National Schadenfreude Week

With the financial crisis etc it’s possible that some of our number are going to start feeling a bit sorry for themselves one way or another. I don’t wish unemployment on anybody, including myself, but one thing truly to be guarded against is self-pity. Therefore I hereby issue a caution. When one is feeling low it’s always better to think about those who have it worse than you. So, I’ve compiled a list. If you feel the cancer of self-pity start to bite, just think that the members of these organisations - pretty much taken at random, really - are even further gone:

Australian Pride

Australians may look cheerful and confident but underneath they are so sorry for themselves. How would you like it if people thought Dame Edna Everage was a real person, that all your indigenous animals looked really stupid, and they kept reminding you about “Botham’s Ashes”, the 2003 Rugby World Cup, etc. Well, Australians have had enough!! From now on they’ll be talking even louder in West London pubs and calling you a pooftah even before their crushed your fingers in a pointlessly aggressive handshake.

Mope

Like Scope, the charity that used to be called The Spastics Society, Mope used to be called The Drastics Society. Their response to their drastic plight is to take drastic measures – namely, sitting alone in their bedrooms eating Pot Noodles. And they demand the right to be left there undisturbed, with only a few Leonard Cohen* records and a tub of Boots No. 7 extra-black eyeliner for company.

* Yessss, once again Gadjo Dilo shows himself to be somewhat out of touch with what the Young People are listening to. But you get the idea.

Former Hedge Fund Managers for Equal Pay

It’s just not fair. People who’ve had well paid jobs and are now reduced in their circumstances really need support.