Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Gadjo Dilo’s Peccadillos #2: Big Nose Special

Yeah, in this latest instalment Gadjo Dilo plumbs the depths of his depravity and reveals that he finds women with big noses quite attractive, and he makes neither apology nor justification for this. Was it not Blaise Pascal (or was it Asterix?) who said "Cleopatra's nose, had it been shorter, the whole face of the world would have been changed".

He’s chosen to present this latest divertissement by way of films he’d like to see made – it could have been another SomeChance film festival - as there’s nothing the camera loves more than a big conk:

Barbra Streisand in Yentl: Diesel Dyke

I watched the original with Mrs Dilo the other day; I’d seen it before and knew she’d lap up every adorable, schmaltzy, Talmudic nanosecond of it, which she did, including where Streisand, disguised as a man so she can study in the yeshiva, has to get through her wedding night with the woman she's married. The film ends with Yentl now in women’s clothes sailing for the scholarly freedoms of America. I’d dearly like to think she continues to have her pretty nose stuck in a book, perhaps going on to become the world’s first lady rabbi; but she’s already grasped the fundamentals of Feminism and she’s sailing to New York for heavens sake, anything could happen. It may come as a surprise to some that I’ll still be more attracted by Streisand’s Schnozz than by anything she might get up to there, but there’s no accounting for taste.

Sofia Loren: in The Fall of the Roman Empire #2

The Italians have foisted some rubbish on us over the years: unjustifiably expensive clothes, frothy operas, Charlie Cairoli and Joe Dolce. But the Italians I’m least fond of are footballers, people like Claudio Gentile, Romeo Benetti and Marco Materazzi, who turned our Beautiful Game into cynical gamesmanship, the plods who man-marked talented players out of the contest, fouled them when the ref's back was turned and called Zidane’s sister a slag. My punishment is to put them in a house with Sofia; she spends her time walking fragrantly from room to room, the light from the windows catching her profile most exquisitely, and making sumptious, aromatic Italian food. Punishment?? They’re locked in the attic. With (my old schoolmate) Vinnie Jones.

Rossy De Palma in ¡Tie Me Up Tie Me Down Again!

Rossy’s a big girl, has a funny face with a big nose, and she can’t really act; (she’s therefore, incidentally, the ideal gay icon). For me, ¡Tie Me Up Tie Me Down! is Almodóvar’s most enjoyable film, not because of any S ‘n’ M vibe - which is not what it’s about - but because, for all of that, it’s somehow so healthy. For one thing you have Victoria Abril and a young Antonio Banderas to look at, there’s the underlying Reichian thesis, and then there’s Rossy, looking for all the world like a Picasso painting. I envisage the sequel to this film featuring Rossy as the star, Banderas as her househusband, and Madonna (who “made” Banderas’s Hollywood career and is a greater gay icon by the can’t-act-criterion) nowhere in sight.

28 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Claiming that Sophia Loren had a big nose is pretty outrageous and would put you in danger of getting horsewhipped in the wrong company. Having your back nuzzled by a big-nosed woman might be a rewarding experience. Is that what you were thinking about?

SnoopyTheGoon said...

These two other ladies, schnozzle or no schnozzle , have never done anything to my adrenaline level. But Sophia The Goddess... I mean, I have never looked at details in this case, being completely mesmerized by the whole. As far as she is concerned, we are all locked in that attic... eternally.

Lulu LaBonne said...

I'm a huge nose fan myself - Gerard Depardieu definitely pushed my buttons in Cyrano

Ana said...

I've never been a nose fan, myself. Sort of like feet for me... a necessary but unfortunate appendage.

Mrs Pouncer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mrs Pouncer said...

Gadjo, you would ADORE me. Luckily for you, I have decided to mark my birthday month by displaying half of my face (see right) for ONE WEEK ONLY. I have cropped it just before the nose kicks in, so to speak, but you can see which way it's going.
Noses run in my family.

scarlet-blue said...

A large nose adds character!
I have big ears though...
Sx

Madame DeFarge said...

Big noses help keep glasses up. It's well known.

Liza Minnelli has an interesting snozz (pre any alleged op). She could have hung her Sally Bowles bowler hat on it quite happily.

Francis Sedgemore said...

"Cleopatra's nose, had it been shorter, the whole face of the world would have been changed"

My ex-wife's nose, had it been shorter, would have upset the orbital balance of the world.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Bananas, I wasn't really thinking about anything much, to be honest. Sofia, it's true, has a long rather than big nose, but that still counts in my book.

Yo, Snoop: I really must give the Italians credit where credit's due for Sofia; we are indeed "all in that attic" :-)

Lulu, exactly! Gerard "Born to Play Obelix" Depardieu is a baggy-looking Frenchmen with lank hair and eyes too close together, but stick a big nose on him and he's fanciable.

Ana, welcome to you! There's unfortunate appendages and there's unfortunate appendages: say goodbye to you appendix and your tonsils if you must, but you'd miss your feet and your nose if you lost them.

Mrs Pouncer, sis, I already adore you. What a lovely picture - have you just been caught in the headlights of a Range Rover? I can't wait to see the lower half of your face, which I'm guessing features what Rhinoplasticians call the "Slav Princess" and a dangling Capstan Full Strength.

Ah, Scarlet, is that why your photo is cropped at the sides? Come on, show us your ears!

Madame, they do indeed, as do big ears. Liza Minnelli is another one, though I confess that she never really did it for me in Cabaret.

Francis, ah, you've been there! One's ex-partners' features can take on a certain menace one has separated from them.

scarlet-blue said...

I'm HERE Gadj... looking like a mini Dumbo the elephant...
Sx

Francis Sedgemore said...

Ms Scarlet looks well 'ard.

Brother Tobias said...

I'm with you on this one. Confers an air of nobility, hauteur, feisty strength. (But then I like women with small noses and medium sized ones too. Guess I'm not very discriminating).

Loved the Zidane video.

scarlet-blue said...

Hello Dr Sedgemore!!
Isn't Well'ard the dog from Eastenders...????
Hello Brother Tobias....
Sx

Mrs Pouncer said...

Scarla, the 'enders dogs! There was Little Willy (pug) and Big Roly (standard poodle). Which one would you choose? Willy or Roly?

scarlet-blue said...

I'll have a Roly-willy...
Sx

Gadjo Dilo said...

Scarlet, is that really you in the picture? Nice, it looks the other one, 10 years earlier, but I'm too much of a gentleman to guess what year it was taken!

Francis, she does, doesn't she; I'm thinking she just needs a Telecaster hanging round her neck and a bottle of Thunderbird in her hand.

Quite true, Brother T. I could also find a woman with no nose at all perfectly aceptable. It's good not to be too choosy.

Mrs P, I'm glad to hear that is 'Enders still going. Maybe there should be a spinoff series featuring just the dogs - with subtitles of course (for dogs not from East London).

Francis Sedgemore said...

"Francis, she does, doesn't she; I'm thinking she just needs a Telecaster hanging round her neck and a bottle of Thunderbird in her hand."

That, or a pint of Snakebite.

scarlet-blue said...

Yep, 'tis I!!! Under an inch of Max Factor's finest, in the days before I upgraded to inch thick Estee Lauder. It was taken in 1994, and I wasn't quite a teenager, but was dressed up like this for an art project. Long story. Very, very long story.
Sx

scarlet-blue said...

And this is from '84!!! Enough... I've probably lost my other pic now... bugger...
Sx

Gadjo Dilo said...

Snakebite, yes! She is Miss Snakebite 1996 (shit, I'm glad she volunteered that information - there was no way I was going to ask her.) Hmm, art project, I'm keen to hear more. And wasn't she sweet back in 1984! Who'd have thought it.

scarlet-blue said...

And wasn't she sweet back in 1984! Who'd have thought it.

I am hurt.
Sx

Gadjo Dilo said...

I'm sorry Scarlet, only joking! (I seemed to have acquired an ironic tongue these days with all this blogging.)

Kevin Musgrove said...

I'm confused: who's the girl in the daguerrotype?

Jose Sinclair said...

Gadjo Dilo!! I loved this movie - I reviewed it at my film review site last month (http://1000dvds.blogspot.com), and also put up a page on Rona Hartner at my Film Goddess site, for photos of stars I like (I'm an artist, so I draw a lot of portraits), at http://filmgoddess.blogspot.com

She's so exotic and different, and like Sophia, may have a larger nose than say, Meg Ryan, but then don't we all??... LOL..

everyone's idea of beauty is "their own".. the Chinese laugh at the women we like in the West!..
..the Jman..

ps - I have a "Rudy Valentino" Roman nose!!... and its been broken twice as well, basketball and falling down.. it protects my teeth!

Gadjo Dilo said...

The "girl in the daguerrotype", Kevin, is somebody I'm sure you know even better than I do - I suspect you're pulling my leg!

Mr Sinclair, great to meet you, thanks for dropping by! Yes, the film from which I derived my Internet monicker (or was it the other way around?) was indeed highly entertaining. And I was interested to read your list of films - I'm impressed that a non-Britisher would know and appreciate Morgan, a Suitable Case for Treatment! I have more gypsy beauties coming up, if you, like I, fancy that kind of thing. Well done on your own nose - the teeth protection aspect had never occured to me before :-)

No Good Boyo said...

There's a fine nose on the girl in Life is Sweet who hangs out with Timothy Spall. He gives it an affectionate bop with his drumstrick - and that's not an euphemism. There's nothing ironic about Mike Leigh.

Gadjo Dilo said...

I remember the scene well, Boyo; Moya Brady was the actress's name and I really should have name-checked her. Excellent film, though Mike Leigh being Mike Leigh, I suspect we were supposed to laugh at her nose rather than admire it.