Friday, May 8, 2009

Gadjo Dilo’s Peccadillos #3: Big Bird Bumper Edition

My declaration of admiration for Romanian Hattie Jacques Draga Olteanu-Matei, and some comments on Lulu LaBonne’s blog about the sexiness of taller women, may have given the impression that I’m some sort of size queen. This is not necessarily true. If I’m honest with myself I realise that I’ve operated – non-interferingly, though nevertheless whether I or the objects of my attention have wanted it or not - an equal opportunities lechery policy during my adult life, and that larger ladies get their share. In fact, to stress how equal opportunities I am I have conflated lofty and large-boned into the same category. And here are the stand-outs:

East European Lady Tennis Players

These barely need an introduction. They’re all over 6 feet tall, blond, professional, and very much admired. If you’re a tall lady – even a gangly one - I advise you to get thee to a tennis court. Maybe you don’t even need to do that. Try wearing all-white clothes and carrying a tennis racket everywhere you go. Learn a little Russian or Slovakian. Still not working? Maybe get a job wiping old ladies down in a care home; acquire a large monobrowed boyfriend called Oleg; look very very cool 99% of the time but dance like a mentalist every time you hear the strains of I’m a Barbie Girl or Ruslana’s Eurovision-conquering Dyki tantsi Hutsul classic. Still carry the tennis racket though, especially when dancing.


Me (allegedly…)

I once had a girlfriend as tall as I, exactly 6 foot - that’s 1.8288m to you foreign johnnies – which is tall for a lass. It was also a bit Mrs Robinson, though I think the age difference was only 7 years. Anyway. One year I wanted to buy said girlfriend (who I won’t indelicately include in this list) a pair of stockings for her birthday. So I goes to a lingerie boutique in Copenhagen (where we lived) and tells the bint behind the counter “I’d like a pair of sexy stockings for a lady who’s the same height as I am”; she sniggers, audibly, “oh, and what sort would you, err, I mean your lady friend like, sir?” Ahh, ok, I see the way it’s going, and I decide to play it up, “we'll, she’s quite a hairy lady so they’d need to be something opaque and probably close-woven”, “hmm, yes, and I’m guessing she’s also quite muscular – an athlete or a body builder, perhaps? – so something durable”; “oh yes, absolutely... no, deary, those ones are latex”; “yes, lovely, aren’t they; would you like to buy some amyl nitrite as well?”

When the Fat Lady Sings

It seems to me a woman does better as a singer if she’s “well covered”. There are exceptions - the pixieish Björk for instance - but to sing as low and louche as this (though unfortunately these clips don't really do her voice justice) you need to be Yugoslav chanteuse Ljiljana Buttler. The number of larger-than-life jazz ladies doesn’t need listing here for me to prove my case further. So I’ll leave you with Macedonia's famed, fuller-figured Gypsy-Turco-Iraqi-Jewish adopter-of-orphans (sounds like hard work) and Nobel Peace Prize nominee (for the adopting, I’m guessing) Esma Redžepova, backed by the Romanian brass phenomenon that is Fanfare Ciocărlia:

22 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

I just love those farty trumpet noises used as a bass backing for Ljiljana's song. Great booty and boob wiggling from her dancing fans as well.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Erm... so what kind of stockings did your tall girlfriend end up with? Somehow I don't think she would have been impressed with a pair of black opaque tights. She would have wanted to see you in sheers.
Sx

Mrs Pouncer said...

And what about bosoms, Gadj? Preferences? I only ask because a man with an eyepatch tried to guess my bra size yesterday and got very close hemhem.

Francis Sedgemore said...

‘I'd like a pair of sexy stockings for a lady who's the same height as I am"; she sniggers, audibly,...’For the benefit of readers unfamiliar with Denmark, this would be a rather mundane conversation between customer and sales assistant in a København boutique. I've heard similar, and in Danish it's quite earthy in comparison with the genteel English presented here.

Gaw said...

As I'm sure you'd agree Gadj, large comes in many delightful shapes. I came across the handy word 'steatopygous' a few years ago. It describes a person with a disproportionate accumulation of fat on their buttocks. I think using it is more decorous than referring to someone as a weeble. It also gives a healthy impression of scientific disinterest. Could be particularly useful in the primate world as I believe most apes are 'arse men'?

Lulu LaBonne said...

Gadjo I'd assumed that the lady standing next to you in your avatar was the six foot one - and you were the world's tallest man...

Love the vid, I really like brassy stuff and Balkan stuff so ticks my boxes alright.

Madame DeFarge said...

Gadjo - tragically, as one of life's munchkins, I will never make your list. I tick the 'well covered' box, but that just makes me sound like a bed in a room with no heating. I have been accused of being taller lying down than I am standing up. It's a trial.

Scarlet-Blue said...

I bought a gel packed bra today, so now I'm enormous. Cheating I know, but what the hell?
Sx

Mrs Pouncer said...

Scarla, you will never measure up to moi! And I fear for you gel-packs on our next visit to Joe Allen. Do not ask for anything to be flambe'd, nor to inspect the chef's mini blow-torch. I do not want a vulcanised layer on my pecans.

Gadjo Dilo said...

It's a booty and boob wiggling part of the world, Bananas - if I was you I'd get your hairy arse (meant respectfully) over here right now!

Scarley, she actually ended up with a rather classy pair of black stockings with swirly patterns on them. Of course, as a bloke, I didn't realise that women only wear tights, not stockings.

Ahhh, Mrs Pouncer! Ladies with big bosoms are only honorary members of the Big Bird sisterhood, seeing as how breasts are not purely fatty tissue but also contain naughty secrets. Did the man need the eyepatch after he'd encountered your breasts or was he already wearing it?

Francis, right you are, this would have been a slow day for that shop assistant, who wouldn't have gone home feeling she'd done a day's work unless she'd offloaded considerable quantities of rubber and litres of lubricant. (Actually, though, it wasn't one of those boutiques in Vesterbro that you're thinking about ;-) )

Mr Gaw, a lovely word indeed. That's the great thing about "large", it's so amenable to different shapes. Only Gorilla Bananas can answer your ape questions with authority.

Lulu, is that called a avatar? I thought it was just a photo! (I'm total Luddite, sorry). Great that you loved the video; I've plenty more where that came from.

Madame, are you a diminutive lady? Funny, isn't it, I always imagined you as rather statuesque and stately. No worries. "Taller lying down than standing up"? I suppose it depends what you're doing with your legs.

Scarley and Mrs P., such enhancements really should not be necessary. (I mean, how are you going to persuade naughty secrets - see above - into a gel pack?) Just out of interest, how's Heston Blumenthal doing these days?

Ava said...

GD -- A very funny, quirky blog! I can see you're a man of the world, what with your purchasing-stockings-in-Copenhagen story. I've never purchased stockings in Europe. I'll add to my list of things to do before I die -- unless you want to buy some for me. I'm 5'3"...

What are your thoughts on Koko Taylor? She's no Ljiljana, but that's a pretty big muumuu to fill...
~Ava

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Roma are generally taller and heavier than the average European. You'd think living in caravans would have made them evolve smaller, wouldn't you? That Darwin didn't always get it right.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Gadjo forgive me, I have just got in from a bar relaunch in Maidenhead, and by that I mean a bar that was bad has been refurbed and is now hopeful again with laminate flooring and a yhoung manager anbout 28 I should think with plucked eyebrows!!!! Anyhoo, the thing is, It was free shots etc etc for invited guests (me etc) and I have been thinking of muy old neightbour Gordon Lorenz from childhood in the North West., although older than me now very successful and his greatest hit:

Gadjo we love you
Honest we do!
Though you may be far away
We think of you!
There's noone quite like Gadjo
Something something something something
Something something something

St Wihnifred's school choir. Scarla? Help me out hgere with You Tube.

Gadjo Dilo said...

A warm welcome to you, Ava! I don't know Koko Taylor (and can't play her muesic now as the wife's asleep next door). I'd probably have less trouble buying stockings for a lady if I told the shop assistent she was 5'3" ;-)

Is that true, Daphne, that the Roma are generally taller? Many of those round here look very pure-blooded like they just got off the plane from Rajasthan, and one would think they'd therefore be smaller than Europeans. It must be all the outdoor living and the grilled hedgehogs.

Mrs Pouncer, darl, it is lovely to have you back, I've missed you (though didn't want to admit it) and this is very sweet of you! I'd never heard of this Gordon Lorenz fellow before; wot a roster of artistes he has produced, eh? From Roger Whittaker to Atomic Kitten, via Ken Dodd and George Melly. (St Winifred may have been a martyr but did she really need that though?)

Scarlet-Blue said...

Christ, and I was stuck in last night with a plate of fish and chips...
Sx

No Good Boyo said...

Slavonic ladies can only dance at 78rpm, it's true. God's way of punishing them for being venal leggy lovelies. Anyone who survived 70 years of Actually Existing Socialism and still managed to look that good must have signed the Faustian accord.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Are you hankering for a deep-fried hedgehog then, Scarly? You can probably get curry sauce with it in some of the more authentic gypsy chippies!

I reckon you're right, Boyo. I wonder how many years it'll be before they're seen wandering round Tesco's wearing the trackie bottoms with the roll of fat with the belly-button ring hanging over the top. Welcome to capitalism, ladies!

Gyppo Byard said...

Tall Roma? Yeah, right...

I blame my Rrom ancestors for interbreeding with the Welch.

Lulu LaBonne said...

I went down a rabbit warren of link following from Fanfare Ciocarlia interesting that the Romanians used a French word for all that farty trumpet stuff - it is terribly popular around in France with Soirées of Banda and Fanfare all over the place.

Also interesting to note how often it is that Germans are promoting music I like.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Ah, Gyppo, the Rrom-Welch hybrid is potentially a beautiful creature, making up for in moustache what it lacks in stature.

Is this stuff really popular in France, Lulu?? Great. It's certainly not popular here, where it came from. :-( Yes, you have to hand to the Germans for knowing good music for a kness-up.

Lulu LaBonne said...

I was really surprised to find so much brass activity going on. A nearby town always has a 'Banda day' during their annual festival which is the more traditional execution.

this bunch are based near Toulouse their performances are something else.

(I bought a cd after the show but non-live they don't work for me)

Gadjo Dilo said...

Hi Lulu, hmm, not so convinced by this group upon seeing this clip, but then it was more talk than music.
Btw, yes, the Romanian word "fanfare" is from indeed the French (though it's plural - singular should be "fanfară"). This musical tradition here is a legacy of the Austro-Hungarian times.