Well, it’s over for another year. I’m never good at picking winners but this year’s winning song was the only one I walked out on in disgust. I half expected to see the subtitle “Based on a True Story” as Norway’s Alexander Rybak sang “I’m in love with a fairytale, even though it hurts”. (But it's probably a melodic masterwork that I'll also be humming before the week is out.) Once again the only entry which floated my own personal boat was from Republic of Moldova; after propping up the table for most of the contest they ended a creditable 14th. But quiet has now settled upon Moscow’s “Laika The Dog” Stadium, the performers have returned to their jobs in hair salons and strip clubs, and Europe starts to think already about next year’s event. Here’s my dream line-up for Oslo 2010. The songs will represent each country’s Eurovision vision, as demonstrated by their form over the last 54 years, plus a few that just popped into my head for no obvious reason. I take no responsibility for any effect these may have on the entente cordiale. Albania: “Bring Out The Gimp” by 17 Different Words for Moustache
Andorra: “Yes, is a Country!” by Ann-Dora
Austria: “We’re Not All Perverts (Disco Mix)” by DJ Strange
Germany: “Eins Zwei Drei, Peace & Love” by Disturbingly Simplistic
Italy: “I’m not Sharing a Stage with a Bunch of Dirty Thieving Immigrants” by Berlusconi’s Second Cousin Twice Removed
France: “We’re Now The Only Remaining European Country to Have Never Really Understood Rock & Roll” by Je Ne Regrette Rien
Denmark: “Nå, Det Er Ik’ Så Ringe” by Old Gits
Norway: “We Really Wanted Null Points Again” by Øyvind Ironic
Sweden: “Ass of Bass by BAAB
Finland: “We’re Weird” by Satanic Goth Monsters from Hell
Iceland: “Nice and Icy by Ice Maiden
Turkey: “Can We Join The EU” by 2012?
Belgium: “Only” by Entering Open Debate about the Armenian Genocide and Improving Your Human Rights Record
Switzerland: “Too Neat and Tidy” by Half
Israel: “We Get to Participate Even Though We’re Not In Europe!” by Hallelujah!
Romania: “We’ve Discarded Our Rich Folk-Music Traditions” by Marcel, Giuseppe & Johnnie
Republic of Moldova: “We Haven’t, You Assholes” by Moldovan Potato Farming Collective Folk Ensemble
Hungary: “Once a Great Nation” by Treachery of Trianon
Lithuania: “The One Next Door to Latvia” by Lithuania Tourist Board
Latvia: “The One Next Door to Lithuania ” by Latvian Tourist Board
Estonia: “Öõõrt Üähäedä” by Õsžüü Ätküü
Russia: “We Should Get Plenty of Votes As We’ve Ensured There’s A Healthy (shurely shome mishtake – Ed.) Percentage of Ethnic Russians in All of Our Neighbouring Countries” by Spirit of Sovietism
Slovenia: “Holiday Homes For Sale!” by RyanAir Flies Here
Holland: “You’re Asking Us to Take Part in This Nonsense?” by You’re Kidding, Right?
United Kingdom: “Boom Bang-a-Bang Ding Dong” by Anybody Except a Half-Decent Indie Band
Ireland: “Ah You’re So Lovely So You Are” by Patrick O’versentimental
Malta: “I Love You” by Fat Bird
Spain: “Your Mum Fancies Us by Bare-Chested Flamenco Boys
Cyprus: “La Grèce, douze points” by Spiros Domestos
Greece: “La Chypre, douze points” by Stavros Asbestos
So there you go, a great line-up I’m sure you’ll agree. And if you can think of songs for the remaining countries – including those I felt had already “suffered enough” - then you’re a better racialist than I am. Here’s to 2010!
My own highlight (OK, based on 30 seconds of watching) was the Montenegran announcer being embarrassed while admitting that the whole of Montenegro had voted for Bosnia-Herzegovina.
ReplyDeleteOr was it the other way around?
Portugal: We're over here! by No, Really.
ReplyDeleteThe Czech Republic: "And the Now Slightly Cleaner Vltava Flows On" by Kafka Beats Kundera
ReplyDeleteGadjo, you're so funny and dreamy... (sigh).
By some quirk of fate I've missed out on the great songfest every year since Dana International.
ReplyDeleteI followed your link to the Moldova song, loved the dancing - all those boys in torn skirts, mmmmm - and I can see why you like it.
I saw it all! And Moldovia wasn't the worst.
ReplyDeleteGermany was interesting... and I quite liked Norway... he was cute!
Next year the UK will enter: Beg, Borrow or Steal by the New Politicians.
Sx
Sorry, Beg, Steal or Borrow...
ReplyDeleteSx
I think Austria's number should be sung to the tune of 'We've Gotta Get Out of this Place' by the Animals.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to see Kraftwerk do Eurovision. This is what Eurovision should really be about: futuristic stuff that's really in the past. Like musical Star Trek. Sort of.
You've left out Portugal. We're not Spain by Vasco da Gama.
ReplyDeleteMr Inspot, I don't think they do embarrasment in that part of the world, at least not when it comes to nepotism.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, Auto! I couldn't think of one about Portugal that didn't describe them as uptight Spaniads, so I left it.
Ana, yep, it'd have to have a literary one for the Czechs, and my money's also on Kafka; or how about "Velvet Revolution" by Velvet Underground Anti-Soviet Ressistence Movement.
Lulu, and I missed Dana International! Glad you liked the Moldovans, it's just my own personal quirk that I think this folk stuff is still the pinancle of popular music, not really anything to do with the boys' torn shirts though ;-)
ReplyDeleteScarley, Germany was indeed interesting - who was that woman wheeled on at the end? And the Norwegian boy one might like to adopt or allow to date one's daughter, but, well, I still haven't started humming his song.
Gaw, great idea, Eurovision is already in a time warp all of it's own so why not accentuate this: imprison some pop performers 10 years before their turn on the stage and make them only read futurist and sci-fi literature of that time. See what they come up with!
Bananas, I thought I'd upset you, that maybe you had European blood, but I see you're just taking things easier these days, good for you. As already stated, Portugal was tricky; but I suppose there's always "Britain's Oldest European Ally" by Pass Me The Port
Actually I've been intrigued by Moldova ever since I bought some photographs of a Moldovan funeral from a strange Hungarian photographer, they are on my living room walls.
ReplyDeleteRoyaume-Uni in 2010: "Cry me a fucking river!", sung by Susan Boyle
ReplyDeleteCan't fail.
I'm quite taken by the idea of Kraftwerk backing Daniel O'Donnell in a medley of Bothnian thrash rock numbers.
ReplyDeleteHow about "Maddie" by Case Closed, for Portugal?
ReplyDeleteThose Moldovan boys have stolen part of our finale number from the Folies Bergere. A writ will be issued as soon as I can track down Hattie Mildew-Spliff and the other gels.
The new summer kilt will be a bit hit in Glasgow, though.
Lulu, you have pictures of a Moldovan wedding on your living room walls? I believe they've now overtaken (undertaken?) Albania as Europe's poorest country, so their rustic peasent traditions may still be around for a while yet.
ReplyDeleteFrancis, I had to look up Susan Boyle, and confess that I'm now as mesmerised and heart-warmed by her as the rest of the world apparantly is. (Is she Katie Boyle's daughter though? That could disqualify her.)
Kevin, or perhaps a gypsy brass band playing the best of Kraftwerk, with vocals by Screamin' Jay Hawkins!
Daphers, I'm also behind the times with Portugal news, I'm afraid. Can you not supply us with a Polish song? I think the Moldovan boys are the chorus line at Chişinău's Folies Bergère :-)
Dita Von TeeseSx
ReplyDeleteI haven't watched it all.. tell me how she gets on...
ReplyDeleteSx
Maybe weddings and funerals are the same thing in Moldova, one of the photos shows a long long table with many people, each sat with a slab of dull-looking cake before them.
ReplyDeleteI did like that Moldovan song though and I'd love to think that once they'd got the cake out of the way the guests got out their shredded skirts and got merry.
That was very funny.
ReplyDeleteIs there, perhaps, a part of the show where North America can show up and perform?
What do you suppose the Canadians, Americans, Mexicans, and Panamanians would put together?
One shudders to think!
Pearl
Plaid Cymru used to campaign for Wales to have its own entry. Aim high, boys.
ReplyDeleteScarley, oh, that's who she was. She takes off her stockings and 2 bras but still has a bra (and knickers) left on; then she pours a bottle of champagne over herself and climbs into the martini glass at the back of the stage. It's all quite artistic.
ReplyDeleteLulu, sorry, you said funeral rather than wedding, didn't you. The dull-looking slabs are probably pork fat rather than cake. I too hope they start dancing afterwards, if only to aid digestion.
Pearly, great idea, we've got to make it happen! Canada: "Irritatingly" by Lingual. Panama: "We Sell You Our Canal" by If You Sell Our Hats for Us. Mexico: "You Like My Sister?" by This One Not Got Pig Flu, Trust Me. The USA is simply too diverse to be represented by one single song ;-)
Boyo, the lads at Plaid know a just cause when they see one. But Charlotte Church would win every year - that's why Wales is not allowed to have it's own entry.