Well, it’s over for another year. I’m never good at picking winners but this year’s winning song was the only one I walked out on in disgust. I half expected to see the subtitle “Based on a True Story” as Norway’s Alexander Rybak sang “I’m in love with a fairytale, even though it hurts”. (But it's probably a melodic masterwork that I'll also be humming before the week is out.) Once again the only entry which floated my own personal boat was from Republic of Moldova; after propping up the table for most of the contest they ended a creditable 14th. But quiet has now settled upon Moscow’s “Laika The Dog” Stadium, the performers have returned to their jobs in hair salons and strip clubs, and Europe starts to think already about next year’s event. Here’s my dream line-up for Oslo 2010. The songs will represent each country’s Eurovision vision, as demonstrated by their form over the last 54 years, plus a few that just popped into my head for no obvious reason. I take no responsibility for any effect these may have on the entente cordiale.
Albania: “Bring Out The Gimp” by 17 Different Words for Moustache
Andorra: “Yes, is a Country!” by Ann-Dora
Austria: “We’re Not All Perverts (Disco Mix)” by DJ Strange
Germany: “Eins Zwei Drei, Peace & Love” by Disturbingly Simplistic
Italy: “I’m not Sharing a Stage with a Bunch of Dirty Thieving Immigrants” by Berlusconi’s Second Cousin Twice Removed
France: “We’re Now The Only Remaining European Country to Have Never Really Understood Rock & Roll” by Je Ne Regrette Rien
Denmark: “Nå, Det Er Ik’ Så Ringe” by Old Gits
Norway: “We Really Wanted Null Points Again” by Øyvind Ironic
Sweden: “Ass of Bass by BAAB
Finland: “We’re Weird” by Satanic Goth Monsters from Hell
Iceland: “Nice and Icy by Ice Maiden
Turkey: “Can We Join The EU” by 2012?
Belgium: “Only” by Entering Open Debate about the Armenian Genocide and Improving Your Human Rights Record
Switzerland: “Too Neat and Tidy” by Half
Israel: “We Get to Participate Even Though We’re Not In Europe!” by Hallelujah!
Romania: “We’ve Discarded Our Rich Folk-Music Traditions” by Marcel, Giuseppe & Johnnie
Republic of Moldova: “We Haven’t, You Assholes” by Moldovan Potato Farming Collective Folk Ensemble
Hungary: “Once a Great Nation” by Treachery of Trianon
Lithuania: “The One Next Door to Latvia” by Lithuania Tourist Board
Latvia: “The One Next Door to Lithuania ” by Latvian Tourist Board
Estonia: “Öõõrt Üähäedä” by Õsžüü Ätküü
Russia: “We Should Get Plenty of Votes As We’ve Ensured There’s A Healthy (shurely shome mishtake – Ed.) Percentage of Ethnic Russians in All of Our Neighbouring Countries” by Spirit of Sovietism
Slovenia: “Holiday Homes For Sale!” by RyanAir Flies Here
Holland: “You’re Asking Us to Take Part in This Nonsense?” by You’re Kidding, Right?
United Kingdom: “Boom Bang-a-Bang Ding Dong” by Anybody Except a Half-Decent Indie Band
Ireland: “Ah You’re So Lovely So You Are” by Patrick O’versentimental
Malta: “I Love You” by Fat Bird
Spain: “Your Mum Fancies Us by Bare-Chested Flamenco Boys
Cyprus: “La Grèce, douze points” by Spiros Domestos
Greece: “La Chypre, douze points” by Stavros Asbestos
So there you go, a great line-up I’m sure you’ll agree. And if you can think of songs for the remaining countries – including those I felt had already “suffered enough” - then you’re a better racialist than I am. Here’s to 2010!