Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Gadjo’s Bottommost Vampires

Now, I’ve got a problem here, as in the inverted world of vampirism it’s likely that being a bad vampire means being a good vampire, if you get what I mean. But I’ll just go with what I know. After the previous, seemingly ill-informed top vampires offering, you’ll be pleased to hear these vampires are at least all from Transylvania, (or thereabouts)!

#5 Domnişoară X

Somebody I've worked with in an office. Wears only black, like a goth. Though I know she’s intelligent etc, she is the possibly the most cold-blooded person I’ve ever met – she wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire (though, come to think of it, I wouldn’t want her to). Vampire. And yet, she let herself down: a runaway canary once flew into the office; some of the lads were so thrilled they went out and bought a cage and some birdseed; it then flew over to sit on a windowsill near X, but instead of seizing upon it savagely and stuffing it alive into her mouth à la Jonathan Harker she just went back to her work. Sorry, but for me that’s poor vampiring.

#4 Vlad The Twat

The first Romanian male (I hesitate to use the word “man”) I ever met; a colleague at the Open University and somebody who narrowly avoided getting thrown into a very prickly holly bush. He obsessively generated rumours that other people were homosexuals - and inclined toward the younger end of the market at that - a hobby which could have earned him very good money in the country of his birth up until the year 2000. But he was raised in Switzerland, which kind of makes him even more of a twat. I'm spreading rumours that he is crap at everything, including being a vampire of course.

#3 Tracey Emin

Actually, Mr Can Bass 1 pointed this one out. She claims her father is Turkish but that’s Transylvanian enough for me – heck, there were more Ottomans through here than there ever were Romans, and it’s a surprise we aren’t speaking a dialect of Turkish. She’s exhibited works like “Everyone I Have Ever Slept With" and that unmade bed thing. She wants to shock us – just like a crap vampire would. Gadjo Dilo applies to such artworks the Gadjo Dilo Theory of Art Criticism, which is: If Gadjo Dilo could have done them then they are surely crap.

#2 Draga Olteanu-Matei

A Romanian actress with a distinguished film career from the 1950s to the present day. A decidedly matronly woman but effortlessly the most watchable thing on the screen. And however plump and mature she was she oozed sexuality in a way I find hard to describe – however, the lack of movie stills of her in her pomp rather suggests that I am alone in this view! Probably not a vampire, but she’s in this list of bottommost vampires simply because her bottom was the mostest.

#1 Mrs Dilo

Top of nearly every list, including this one. All requests to bite my neck and suck out my blood till I’m reeling like that sick kid in Airplane have been refused, and I respect her for it.


The Dotterel said...

If Gadjo Dilo could have done them then they are surely crap.
Eat your heart out, Kenneth Clark, eh?
No, on the other hand that's exactly the kind of thing a vampire would want, isn't it!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Ille Nastase had the looks for it but not the personality. What about Ivan Lendl though? He wasn't Romanian, but he was pretty close. Why did Dracula employ Slovaks?

scarlet-blue said...

You have a wanton kinky side to you, don't you Gadj? I like it.

Francis Sedgemore said...

"she wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire (though, come to think of it, I wouldn’t want her to)"

I believe that some people pay for such delights.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Wasn't there a Sweet Transvestite from Translyvania in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. That sounds like rubbish credentials for a vampire if you ask me.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Hi everybody, I was feelking a bit angry when wrote this, but luckily Draga and the missus calmed me down a bit towards the end.

Dot, I sometimes wish my life had taken a different course and I'd got a career like Brian Sewell's!

Bananas: Romanians pride themsleves on not being Slavs (like Lendl and co.) or Hungarians (like Bela Lugosi) but wild temperamental Latins (Ilie Năstase, "Sonny" Corleone, Carlos the Jackal, etc).

Scarley, what did I say that indicates I have a wanton kinky side?? Please note the "wouldn’t" in #5!

Francis, I've heard that too, but I'd really rather burn to death in the aforementioned scenario. Like I say, feeling a bit angry :-(

Lulu, there was indeed! But like you I'm not convinced that it's sufficient credentials.

scarlet-blue said...

A decidedly matronly woman but effortlessly the most watchable thing on the screen. And however plump and mature she was she oozed sexuality in a way I find hard to describe

Like a good smokey bacon..

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

May I nominate for "good" (i.e. bad) vampires the entire financial community who are the biggest bunch of bloodsuckers this side of Leech Central. A cold-eyed hedge fund manager called Lex Van Dam on BBC last night had me cowering behind the sofa. He was very good looking, but his blood couldn't have been much above zero C.

Tracy Emin's father was a Turkish Cypriot. Not the same noble Ottoman blood as our Boris.

Gyppo Byard said...

I once saw a TV documentary about consensual vampirism featuring a young Californian Japanese lady who made be look at the issue of donating blood in a whole new way. Don't know why I'm revealing that, other than providing cheap entertainment for you lot, obviously...

Mrs Pouncer said...

I absolutely would with Lex Van Dam, Daphne, and so would you, so come out from behind your G-Plan and let the good times roll.
Tracey Emin has a fabulous cleavage. I am sorry to tell you this but my brother, the celebrity's obstetrician, used to put his thumb over Ann Jones's face when Wimbledon fortnight was televised, because she had fab tits but a terrible visage. I suspect some fiends do this to Trace when she's on some cultcha show or other.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Wouldn't a really crap vampire have no teeth and rely on the Blood Transfusion Service for meals on wheels?

A haematologist friend reckons that the blood that a well-known London hospital chucks out because it's past its sell-by date could service a good sized black pudding factory.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Indeed Scarley, or like a good Stilton chese!

Daphers, I worked with those people for about 3 years. I used to to despise them, but then I worked with other people and started to wonder if office work simply brings the worst out of most people. (Though traders were probably twats to start with, that's true enough.)

The Japanese (and indeed the Californians), Gyppo - nothing those sick people do surprises me any more, though I suppose consensual canibalism would come close.

Mrs Pouncer, there really exists a person called Lex Van Dam?? I bet he thinks his name's cool while he's a hedge fund manager, but he'll get laughed when he's working at McDonalds. And I bet Tracy Emin will make an artwork called "My Cleavage" - the Saatchi Gallery are welcome to it.

Ha! Nice, Kevin. It's a wonder that black pudding factories are not entirely staffed by vampires (maybe they are - you, being a northerner, should be able to tell us this...)

No Good Boyo said...

There's a restaurant near the botanical gardens in Cluj that employs a vampire waiter, or at least it did three years ago. It's on two levels - there's a cafe for thugs with Sport TV upstairs and a warm, dark restaurant in a semi-basement. It has the usual Romanian delights, and - yes - he was called Vlad.

Barry Teeth, Beet Poet said...

Tracey Emin is not an artist, she's a tit!

For art you need to look nearer home, like Winston Churchill or Prince Charles.

Or even Dali, thinking about it. He lived in Wisbech briefly.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Boyo, I think I know that restaurant, though I've never actually been in there. Unfortunately, in my experience, people called Vlad so rarely live up to the expectation that their name always engenders.

She is, Baz, she just so is. Did Dali really live in Wisbech? Did he design the town hall or the municipal swimming pool maybe?? I'd so like to think so.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Dali designed the roundabout system in Basingstoke.

Barry Teeth, Beet Poet said...

I believe he might have had a hand in that roundabout that the rabbits live in boats on.