Gadjo’s Bottommost Vampires

Now, I’ve got a problem here, as in the inverted world of vampirism it’s likely that being a bad vampire means being a good vampire, if you get what I mean. But I’ll just go with what I know. After the previous, seemingly ill-informed top vampires offering, you’ll be pleased to hear these vampires are at least all from Transylvania, (or thereabouts)!

#5 Domnişoară X

Somebody I've worked with in an office. Wears only black, like a goth. Though I know she’s intelligent etc, she is the possibly the most cold-blooded person I’ve ever met – she wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire (though, come to think of it, I wouldn’t want her to). Vampire. And yet, she let herself down: a runaway canary once flew into the office; some of the lads were so thrilled they went out and bought a cage and some birdseed; it then flew over to sit on a windowsill near X, but instead of seizing upon it savagely and stuffing it alive into her mouth à la Jonathan Harker she just went back to her work. Sorry, but for me that’s poor vampiring.

#4 Vlad The Twat

The first Romanian male (I hesitate to use the word “man”) I ever met; a colleague at the Open University and somebody who narrowly avoided getting thrown into a very prickly holly bush. He obsessively generated rumours that other people were homosexuals - and inclined toward the younger end of the market at that - a hobby which could have earned him very good money in the country of his birth up until the year 2000. But he was raised in Switzerland, which kind of makes him even more of a twat. I'm spreading rumours that he is crap at everything, including being a vampire of course.

#3 Tracey Emin

Actually, Mr Can Bass 1 pointed this one out. She claims her father is Turkish but that’s Transylvanian enough for me – heck, there were more Ottomans through here than there ever were Romans, and it’s a surprise we aren’t speaking a dialect of Turkish. She’s exhibited works like “Everyone I Have Ever Slept With" and that unmade bed thing. She wants to shock us – just like a crap vampire would. Gadjo Dilo applies to such artworks the Gadjo Dilo Theory of Art Criticism, which is: If Gadjo Dilo could have done them then they are surely crap.

#2 Draga Olteanu-Matei

A Romanian actress with a distinguished film career from the 1950s to the present day. A decidedly matronly woman but effortlessly the most watchable thing on the screen. And however plump and mature she was she oozed sexuality in a way I find hard to describe – however, the lack of movie stills of her in her pomp rather suggests that I am alone in this view! Probably not a vampire, but she’s in this list of bottommost vampires simply because her bottom was the mostest.

#1 Mrs Dilo

Top of nearly every list, including this one. All requests to bite my neck and suck out my blood till I’m reeling like that sick kid in Airplane have been refused, and I respect her for it.