Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Gadjo’s Turner Prize #1

A brief glimpse at The “News” on the BBC yesterday informed me that it’s that time of year again. I love Modern “Art”, me... it makes me righteously indignant as no amount of tax rises or human rights atrocities ever could. I’ll get onto the business of singing “Whispering Grass” in a Bratislavan public lavatory as a masterpiece to rival Rembrandt later, but there’s another reason for me to bring up the subject now: we have several blank spaces on our walls chez Dilo. I’ve tried to get my pictures and their frames over from UK but it was too difficult for the big ones. So I want to buy some masterpieces over the Internet that I can hang up, and here are the criteria for choosing them:

The Right Colour: Our walls are lime green, and any picture should match this tastefully.

Easy on the Eye: We don’t exactly have that Brian Sewell coming round for dinner too often, so no art in the house should be too challenging for our guests: poetic or classical scenes, countryside and animals, etc would probably be OK.

No Pornography: I did bring over some smaller pictures, including Edvard Munch’s lovely Yellow Madonna - that’s the mother of Jesus, not the Madonna - but Mrs Dilo’s convinced it’s Pornography! She’s even insisted I keep it my study, with a small curtain that can be drawn across it. I’ll have to be careful.

This narrows it down, and to narrow it down even further I’ve decided (for this first selection): No Rubbish. Here are some I’ve found that may fulfil the criteria:

#1 The Farmer's Daughter (by John Everett Millais): Mrs Dilo and I liked the recent Millais exhibition at London’s Tate Gallery - very Christmassy. This is like that sweet little Connemara Girl, but this one’s made a bit more of an effort. She’s a ginger, so is never going to be appreciated as anything except “Art”; but, oh, what if she starts feeling tired carrying all that milk about and has a lie down in the grass and... oh, I mustn’t think about that – maybe the wife will see what I’m thinking.

#2 The Washerwomen (by Camille Pissarro): Mr Pissaro’s pictures have plenty of green in them, like he got a job lot of it and didn’t want to waste it - I’m the same. Like me he also loves to watch women at work - but, hang on, what if they splashed each other and their blouses became really quite wet and....? Ah.

#3 The Lady of Shalott (By John Waterhouse): You really can’t beat the Pre-Raphaelites for sheer good taste - and gingerness. And there’s some nice greens here and.... but, oh heck, imagine if she thought nobody was watching and decided to take off her clothes and have a skinny dip??

#4 Deux Poires (by Édouard Manet): Paintings of actual limes – which would be perfect for our wall, obviously – were rarely done by your old masters, but other fruit can be a similar colour. Here.... oh, no, that’s just one pair, Édouard – we know what you’re trying to suggest.... typical bloody Frenchie!

#5 Diana and Callisto (by Titian): Blimey! This is more difficult that I thought it would be. A nice classical scene, outdoors, and I think there's even a farmyard animal in there somewhere, but..... And here’s loads more where this came from!! I had no better luck with dryads or nymphs either.... I’m going to have to give this up.

#6 The Alan Carr “Tennis Girl” Poster: Ah, now, maybe this is the one: tennis is classy, there’s some green in the background, and it’s a classic scene - the original Athena poster showing a girl on a tennis court scratching her arse (remember?) was indeed a classic, selling 2 million copies – but luckily here there’s not a woman in sight. I can’t see anybody objecting to this.

Ok, now the “prize”: choose the one you think is best for us and you could win Gadjo’s Turner Prize! Yes, Lana/Tina/Anthea/Alan Turner (subject to availability) will visit your home, dance for you, and let you paint her/his sensual, writhing, naked body with a set of Rowney Artist's Watercolour paints in the art movement style of your choosing - Fauvism, Dadaism, Vorticism... it’s entirely up to you. In the next episode – when the painting you’ve chosen is up on the wall and accepted as part of the furniture - I’ll offer you a selection to chose from that’s a little more modern and daring. To end, and especially for zmkc, here’s the immortal Peter and Dud on the subject:


Lulu LaBonne said...

Make your own art Gadj, it's dead easy and you'll get exactly the right colour scheme - better still get Mrs D to knock off a few canvasses, offer to pose with your shirt off pretending to do laundry or hoovering ... or something

worm said...

hey Gadjo- what about that 1950's painting of the green chinese woman? she'd look cool on any lime green wall.

As far as I'm concerned, if a picture hasn't got a unicorn and a snowy mountain in it, it ain't art.

Brit said...

I never saw such a ripe selection of saucy art, Gadjo. Even your still life is Filth.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Lulu, I tried making my own art once and it was very very bad, which is the basis on which I claim to know the difference between good art and bad art :-) Hmm, I like the idea of being a work of art with my shirt off - I wouldn't even need anybody to paint me, just walking about with my shirt off could still be art.

worm, 'green gypsy woman', wasn't she? Dash it all, I can see her clearly in my mind's eye but Google refuses to find her - have I got the anti-kitsch filter turned on by mistake?? (And the hands of The Earth Mother framing the whole thing, no?)

Brit, it's utter utter smut, and I've got a good mind to go to the bathroom right now and wash my eyes with carbolic soap!

worm said...

this is the one gadjo:


Gadjo Dilo said...

Oh, so that's the one. She's a smasher, isn't she!

Pat said...

I think - with Mrs Gadjo - that you should have a nice icy cold shower:)

zmkc said...

Thank you - I thought it was going to be a horrible day, but then I saw that flim, hurray. If you want to buy a pic, you could try this person: www.annahiggie.com

zmkc said...

In return, here is a film that includes lots of ladies in headscarves for you:

Gadjo Dilo said...

Pat, I'm terribly sorry, what an unwelcome glimpse into a bloke's mind all this must have been for you!

zmkc, I was hoping you'd like that clip :-) Hmm, your friend does some very good work, but perhaps more suitable to the alternative music venue (or whatever it is in the photos) than to our living room. Ah, excellent, a Rolling Stones song sung by Hugarian peasantry - yep, you got my number alright ;-)

zmkc said...

A portrait of you or Mrs Gadjo, with a map of Romania over your face doesn't appeal? They are all the rage around here:

Gadjo Dilo said...

zmkc, hmm, thanks, but I don't even like seeing regular photographs of myself so I'm sure I couldn't have something like that on the wall!

Gaw said...

Alternatively you could take a leaf from a previous winner of the Prize and remove the lightshade off your light in that room and turn the bare bulb on every so often.

His piece was titled 'The Lights Going On and Off' and you could call yours 'The Lime Lights Going On and Off', which would be very meaningful.

Alice Scradcza said...

Why you not look at PROPER paintings? I recommend the great Henri Quitellier who has produced fine paintings of welders at work. (http://www.artdecocollection.com/628.htm)

Madame DeFarge said...

What about the picture of the little boy with the donkey? Or am I remembering some other manner of art form entirely? There must be many little boys and donkeys available for a tableau vivant.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Gaw, hmm, yes, or even (as opposed to 'The Lights Going On and Off') I could title it 'The Lights Going Off and On' - that would be very significant, I feel.

Alice, duckie, I've missed you savagely. Yes indeed, I'd that on my living-room wall, and there's two welders for the price of one there.

Madame, I don't remember any paintings of little boys with donkeys, but I'm sure that one could be created - one could even write "A Present From Torremolinos" on the bottom of it!