The Somechance Film Festival #2: 007

With... errrr... the release of a new Bond film (yeah, we’re a bit behind here), I feel the urge again to suggest titles for films that could be made. But with the exception of the current one – “Gromit of Wallace”?? - which just sounds silly, and maybe a couple of others, they're beginning to sound quite samey, like they’ve been rehashed from old ones. There’s a good reason for this: they’ll remind potential punters of previous Bond films they’ve chatted about endlessly with Keith from Accounts. So here are some new titles for Mrs Broccoli which would be sure-fire winners.

Never Say Something Again

Bond caper in which 007 can never repeat himself. The name’s Bond, James.... errr.... that thing I just said, it’s a link between 2 people, or a financial agreement, rhymes with “pond”.... errr.... oops, oh dear, I’ve said “errr” before haven’t I? Nicholas Parsons is 007.

Dai Tomorrow

Bond is up against a new nemesis, the Welshman of the title, who promises he’ll forestall unleashing the mighty forces of Dynorwic reservoir upon the world - that’s an area 54,437.78 times the size of Wales - if Bond ensures that Wales will no longer be used as a ridiculous measuring stick for unrelated things. No Good Boyo is the eponymous villain and 007 – it’s that kind of film – and acquits himself excellently in both roles.

Candida Royalle

A biopic of the pioneer of pornographic films for women. As usual Bond gets lots of shagging, but then has to do the washing up, take the rubbish out, give her a nice long back massage, and spend an hour in her wardrobe helping her choose a dress. Kel Knight from TV’s Kath & Kim is 007.

Dr Yes

The World is being held to ransom by a generous altruist and his cheesecloth smock-wearing henchmen. He listens attentively and tries to see all sides of a point of view - he just wants to make the world a nicer place. After being asked for the umpteenth time whether he’d like a cup of tea, 007 finally loses his patience. Sean Connery IS 007.