Friday, January 23, 2009

The Somechance Film Festival #2: 007

With... errrr... the release of a new Bond film (yeah, we’re a bit behind here), I feel the urge again to suggest titles for films that could be made. But with the exception of the current one – “Gromit of Wallace”?? - which just sounds silly, and maybe a couple of others, they're beginning to sound quite samey, like they’ve been rehashed from old ones. There’s a good reason for this: they’ll remind potential punters of previous Bond films they’ve chatted about endlessly with Keith from Accounts. So here are some new titles for Mrs Broccoli which would be sure-fire winners.

Never Say Something Again

Bond caper in which 007 can never repeat himself. The name’s Bond, James.... errr.... that thing I just said, it’s a link between 2 people, or a financial agreement, rhymes with “pond”.... errr.... oops, oh dear, I’ve said “errr” before haven’t I? Nicholas Parsons is 007.

Dai Tomorrow

Bond is up against a new nemesis, the Welshman of the title, who promises he’ll forestall unleashing the mighty forces of Dynorwic reservoir upon the world - that’s an area 54,437.78 times the size of Wales - if Bond ensures that Wales will no longer be used as a ridiculous measuring stick for unrelated things. No Good Boyo is the eponymous villain and 007 – it’s that kind of film – and acquits himself excellently in both roles.

Candida Royalle

A biopic of the pioneer of pornographic films for women. As usual Bond gets lots of shagging, but then has to do the washing up, take the rubbish out, give her a nice long back massage, and spend an hour in her wardrobe helping her choose a dress. Kel Knight from TV’s Kath & Kim is 007.

Dr Yes

The World is being held to ransom by a generous altruist and his cheesecloth smock-wearing henchmen. He listens attentively and tries to see all sides of a point of view - he just wants to make the world a nicer place. After being asked for the umpteenth time whether he’d like a cup of tea, 007 finally loses his patience. Sean Connery IS 007.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Very good!

Coldfinger - Miss Fannypussy is not impressed by Bond's attempt to satisfy her after failing to rise to occasion.

You only live once - The arch villain finally puts a bullet in Bond's head rather than trying to dispatch him in some bizarrely long-winded fashion.

scarlet-blue said...

Live and Let Dyson. Our hero vacuums and tidies his bedroom. Dale Winton plays Bond.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Candida Royalle is an unpleasant yeast infection curable only by the touch of a reigning monarch.

From Ross-shire With Love - Can Bond stop the evil Doctor Gairloch before he floods Torridon with radioactive Irn Bru?

On Her Majesty's Silver Service - MI5 is contracted out to Group 4 and Crapita and James Bond has to make ends meet by waiting on tables at the Dorchester.

lulu labonne said...

I'm currently working on The Fly Who Loved Me Roger Moore has agreed to raise an eyebrow while a bluebottle stalks him.

While he's around he's also agreed to remake Grassraker as he constructs a space age garden with that Diurmud bloke from one of those makeover shows

No Good Boyo said...

Lovely stuff!

Thunderballs, in which Bond has been locked in an S&M chastity belt for six months by evil Italian villaness Labbia Dentata and has become a threat to national security due to the extreme atmospheric pressure pent up in his knackersack.

Stars Sir Cliff Richard as Bond, Keith Richards as HM The Queen and the late Welsh harp floozy Nansi Richards as Labbia.

I may have mentioned somewhere that I, Sioba Siencyn and Iago Anffawd once worked on two Welsh Bond films - "Never Say Dai" and "Dai Hard", involving the theft of the cockle harvest and a Jane Fonda workout video.

If not I'll elaborate back at Chez Boyo.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Heh guys, lots more great ideas, and many better than mine!

Bananas: it's true, why didn't they just shoot him? I suppose having a sense of drama is part of the job if you're an arch-villian.

Scarley, back to the Dyson again? Yes, Dale Winton as Bond!

Excellent, Kev. Yes, I always thought Ms Royalle choose her name somewhat infelicitously - assuming she was not born with it of course. I suppose she thought it sounded "exotic" (voice of Waynetta Slob here).

Lovely Lulu: indeed, Roger Moore should have made insect films instead, that would have been a better use of his "talent".

Thanks, Boyo. Excellent, looking forward to the knackersack scene. And Wendy Richard could be M. Yes, please elaborate (I've just had a flashback of the Welsh Film Festival round of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue... Look Back in Bangor, The Good the Bad and Llanelli, etc).

Gyppo Byard said...

Tarfinger - Bond, now retired, has his drive resurfaced by Irish tinkers, and comes back to find his Aston Martin on four piles of bricks. Richard Wilson plays Bond.

Scarls - does Dale do anything with the vacuum cleaner apart from tidy his room? Just wondering...

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Couscous Royale, presented hors compétition at the Djerba Film Festival, where 007 has to battle through the Sahara Desert in the Paris-Dakar disguised as a Touareg tribesman only to be pipped at the post by Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond in an Aston Martin. Zinedine Zidane plays Bond.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Gypppo, oh yes - Richard Wilson plays Bond, Emir Kusturica directs, Fanfare Ciolarlia provide the music, and everybody gets stuck in the not-yet-dry asfalt in the last scene!

Or Zinedine Zidane - love the man, even more so when he decked that toilet-mouthed Italian defender in his last match. Jeremy Clarkson as the villian? Maybe, but he'd have to be told not to speak, otherwise he'd win everybody over, including Bond, to his point of view.

Andy H said...

The Man With The Folding Nun

Our hero is called upon to solve the mystery of a numerous attacks in which an Abbess mysteriously appears just before an assassination is committed and disappears just after, leaving only a ludicrously suspicious man to walk out carrying a large suitcase. Critically panned for giving away whatever mystery there was in the title. Bond is played, controversially, by Arthur Mullard.

A View to a Krill

Jacques Cousteau plays Bond. Not much happens, but it's quite pretty.

Julian Meteor said...

A View from the Till:
Bond gets a job at Aldi in Plymouth next to yours truly and they exchange MANY shagging stories. Mine are better and more PLENTIFUL.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Welcome, Andy! (You see the level of triviality here though compared with other more serious blogs out there. Sorry.) Arthur Mullard as Bond had never occured to me but it makes perfect sense now you've said it; and with Irene Handl as the love interest.

Dear Julian, shagging stories from the tills at Aldi are just what we need right now to cheer us all up a bit. I've no doubt yours are better - I'm imagining a "supermarket sweep" where you try to get as much totty into a shopping trolley as you can.

Gyppo Byard said...

How about a series featuring the Romani special agent Django Bond? We could have 'Vardo Royale', 'Dr No Tax-Disc', 'From Russia with Black-Market Ciggies'...

Bob Hoskins would play Bond.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Gyppo, great idea. And how about The Man With the Golden Earing, and Shav and Let Die. And Tracey Ullmann would be the Bond girl.

Gyppo Byard said...

It's building nicely. We could then move on to Thunderchal, Octokushti and Moonresurfacer.

Gadjo Dilo said...

And how about: Never Say "I'm sure they'll let us stay here" Again.

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