Thursday, August 6, 2009

Gadjo Dilo’s Peccadillos #4: Housewives, choice

Mrs Dilo’s away this week and so Gadjo’s mind again starts to wander a bit - and he also realises how the housework builds up during the course of seven days... And so, as we focus in ever closer on the ideal of perfect female luvliness, this time we’ll discuss the necessary qualities of The Housewife:

Jane Asher

Is it apocryphal or has Jane Asher really promoted more homecare products than any other housewife?? Jane must be pushing 70 by now but she’s still quite pretty. And that’s the problem. To be a proper housewife you’ve got to age properly. Jane looks fine because she’s got some Ecuadorian slave lady on 50p a month doing her chores for her - I bet she’s never unblocked the lav in her life!! Sorry, not impressed.

Sheena Easton

My baby takes the morning train,
He works from nine till five and then
He takes another home again
To find me waitin’ for him


She’s just been sitting there, waitin’ for him. Maybe she’s rearranged some things in the fridge or thought about doing the ironing, but she’s mainly been just waitin’, and we know what that means – right, lads? You’re exhausted but as soon as you get in you have to listen to her rabbiting on about who was going into Mrs Tibbs’ house, what was on Richard & Judy, and can she buy a new washing machine. D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

Dame Edna Everage

The self-proclaimed “Housewife Superstar". But is she? She’s certainly sturdy and has aged appropriately over time, but there’s something not quite right there and I can’t put my finger on it. Too much make-up, possibly.

Freddie Mercury

Something fishy going on here too but again I’m not sure what. Ah yes, I’ve got it now, it’s the hovering technique. Take a look: she doesn’t go under the sofa or the table. Move the chairs to the side, tell Gran to stand up for a minute... come on luv, it’s really not that difficult!

Sofia Loren

2nd time in for Sofia. She’s a statuesque and Cleopatra-nosed housewife in A Special Day, therefore fulfilling most of my previously elaborated criteria; (the chance to do some pole-vaulting in that film’s rooftop scene amongst the washing lines was missed, which I think was a mistake, but I’ll let it pass). The character she plays is dowdy, yet underneath a well of passion that’s been suppressed by years of domestic choirs and an unthinking twerp of a husband. Luvly.

Pam Grier

Pammie was always well-proportioned and in every way up there with Sofia according to my criteria. Admittedly, we’ve seen her more often toting a Colt 45 than an Electrolux Z1030C, but I reckon she could still do a job about the house - in fact she may be yearning for it after all those tough-girl rôles. The best thing Quentin Tarantino ever did was in Jackie Brown when he simply let the camera soak her up, often just walking from one place to another. It had been 20 years since she’d been a Blaxploitation Babe but she was luvlier than ever (though just imagine, just for a second, if she’d also been pushing a Eubank carpet sweeper at the time, mmm…). Yep, I think we’ve got a winner!

To end, here’s some of my favourite flamenco music; get a load of gypsy housewife La Perla de Cadiz:

23 comments:

Alice Scradcza said...

I always have very clean and tidy welding bay. Is like my house really. Jane Asher would be good at house plastering - she does cake icing, yes? - but terrible welder. No muscles.

The Dotterel said...

Hey, Gadj. It might've escaped your attention being over in the Caucasus, but a recent survey suggested British men were sexier because they helped with the housework! Get that pad ship-shape before Mrs Gadj returns!

richard said...

Hm, i might escaped that You live among the Alans in the Caucasus. Isnt there a war almost started?

Gyppo Byard said...

Gadjo bor - La Perla de Cadiz looks uncomfortably like one of my great-aunts. There's something about great-aunts and jolly public singing that just conveys stinging childhood embarrassment...

Richard - I think you've put your finger on the problem with the Caucasus - everyone being called Alan must lead to a huge amount of confusion.

inkspot said...

Spot-on about Pam Grier Gadj, well done. But you misunderestimate Jane Asher; she was something else in Deep End, from about 35 years ago.

Gorilla Bananas said...

You haven't mentioned Wendy Craig or the woman in the Oxo commercial. They both had the housewife look, didn't they?

ammonite said...

I think Alice has put her finger on it Gadj - do you want the arms of La Perla to wield your broom or the arms of Pam?

I have the same problem, can I find a chap who can clear the drains and look hot in a unitard - no I can't!

Lulu LaBonne said...

Whoops - forgot to change identity there
x

No Good Boyo said...

All these ladies are superhot, but GB is right to highlight Linda Bellingham out of the Oxo ad. Gets better with each passing year.

It's not said often enough, Gadjo, but yours is a fine blog full of verve, wisdom and hilarious bollocks. Carry on.

PS Jane Asher in The Stone Tape. Mmmmm.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Alice, Jane's a bit delicate but she might still try her luck. She should use gas metal arc welding techniques - preferably with flux-cored wire - as the welding speeds are greater and the arc size smaller, thus placing less strain on the body. As I'm sure you know.

Hey, Dot, you've arrived in time to prepare my mind for the great day that is the Reviewing Of Your Book on 31st August - stick around and I'll try to make it a really good one! ;-)

Richard, Alans maybe did come through here (Transylvania, not the Caucasus) but were replaced by the Huns and other arses. But if they'd stayed then we'd have people here called Alan rather than Attila, which would be a shame.

Gyppo, hmmm, I see what you mean: if I'd been told that La Perla was English I'd have guessed that she came from the West Midlands - which is a tribute both to her and to the West Midlands.

Inky, thanks for your enthusiasm! I confess I don't know much about Jane's œuvre outside of the spud-peeler adverts, or whatever they were. I must inform myself better.

Bananas, Wendy Craig, good call. I never fancied her much but she did indeed have "Housewife" written all over her.

Lools, you have two identities? Cool. If Alice ever puts "her finger on it" then welding must be the ultimate metaphor for life, the universe and everything - (let's see what she replies to my comment above, eh?) What's a unitard? A lycra boiler-suit?

Boyo, this is unexpected yet welcome praise from a man who "mentored" me in the skills you describe! Was that Linda Bellingham in those ads? She was indeed hot, though I preferred Carol Drinkwater in the wifey role on All Creatures Great and Small.

inkspot said...

Gadj, I thought gas welding and arc welding were completely different techniques, what am I missing? Can I suggest a tutorial post on welding, with guest contributions by Alice?

Scarlet-Blue said...

Tsk. I could show you a new way with a feather duster and a soggy hankerchief.
And I know how to do a finger test in a crevice.
Sx

richard said...

Alans are still in the Caucasus, in Osetia,but my real issue was other:as long You moved in Carpathians, that is 1600 km West of Caucasus, isnt it?

Lulu LaBonne said...

I was getting my body wear mixed up Gadj, when I said unitard what I meant was a mankini

Gadjo Dilo said...

Inky, Wikipedia conforms everything I said - funny, that, eh? Gas metal arc welding (GMAW) is an established process, the gas in question being an inert one used to protect the weld from contamination. A tutorial post on welding would be a great idea - my father-in-law could provide pictures of injuries for the "Warnings" section.

Scarley, hmm, I see you're taking this seriously. But yes, that's exactly the way to make housework more sexy and less of a chore.

Richard, you're right about the Ossetian Alans, and may also be about the 1600 km from there to here, but this does not me an Alan make. Cumans, Tartars and Avars... almost everbody in fact... came through here, and I myself am the shock troops from Hemel Hempstead, Hertfordshire.

Lulu, blurgh, did you have to? I can just about stomach Freddie Mercury in a skirt but that is beyond what human decency can tolerate!

Alice Scradcza said...

Good Mr Dilo - I make you welder soon! When you look up GTAW you know why I call your cats mig and tig.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Is it too late to mention Nanette Newman?

(Jane Asher was the only good thing in The Deep End)

Kevin Musgrove said...

I have a sudden mental picture of Fenella Fielding in a low-cut blouse and an apron. Just thought I'd share...

Gadjo Dilo said...

Alice: strewth everybody, she's right - MIG & TIG are types of welding! Yes, please make me a welder, something from aluminium that I can put in the garden to scare the birds.

Kevin, it's never too late to mention Nanette Newman, but in what film did Fenella Fielding wear an apron?? I don't know, but I think I know a man who does...

Gyppo Byard said...

Fenella Fielding. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CK5VwuYGNY0

inkspot said...

Gadj, duh, gas as in inert, not as in oxy-acetylene. Thanks, it's people like you who make sure that people like me get 2:2s rather than the thirds we deserve.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

I don't think La Perla would be able to get into her own brand of underwear. I can't.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Gyppo, are you and Mr Boyo working as one these days?? Fennella on Morecamb & Wise, very nice, but she's not wearing an apron (as I had expected).

Inky, all part of the service! I agree though, it is rather ambiguous. I'm hoping to reference electroslag welding next time, unless Alice beats me to it.

Daphne, it's the mark of a clever woman that she can't get into her underwear any more. (Then each new partner has to buy her new underwear... thus creating the sexual fascination necessary to sustain the relationship...)