Thursday, February 26, 2009

National Schadenfreude Week

With the financial crisis etc it’s possible that some of our number are going to start feeling a bit sorry for themselves one way or another. I don’t wish unemployment on anybody, including myself, but one thing truly to be guarded against is self-pity. Therefore I hereby issue a caution. When one is feeling low it’s always better to think about those who have it worse than you. So, I’ve compiled a list. If you feel the cancer of self-pity start to bite, just think that the members of these organisations - pretty much taken at random, really - are even further gone:

Australian Pride

Australians may look cheerful and confident but underneath they are so sorry for themselves. How would you like it if people thought Dame Edna Everage was a real person, that all your indigenous animals looked really stupid, and they kept reminding you about “Botham’s Ashes”, the 2003 Rugby World Cup, etc. Well, Australians have had enough!! From now on they’ll be talking even louder in West London pubs and calling you a pooftah even before their crushed your fingers in a pointlessly aggressive handshake.


Like Scope, the charity that used to be called The Spastics Society, Mope used to be called The Drastics Society. Their response to their drastic plight is to take drastic measures – namely, sitting alone in their bedrooms eating Pot Noodles. And they demand the right to be left there undisturbed, with only a few Leonard Cohen* records and a tub of Boots No. 7 extra-black eyeliner for company.

* Yessss, once again Gadjo Dilo shows himself to be somewhat out of touch with what the Young People are listening to. But you get the idea.

Former Hedge Fund Managers for Equal Pay

It’s just not fair. People who’ve had well paid jobs and are now reduced in their circumstances really need support.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Also a good time to feel sorry for the animals themselves, particular the Koala, which shits something awful. Bowel problems are the worst. I bet people in your part of the world have lots of natural remedies for them. Being chased by Count Dracula would be a good cure for constipation.

Brother Tobias said...

You've got to be sympathetic with anything taken short up a tree.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Howler monkeys go round looking for other creatures (particularly people) to shit on from a great height - it's their idea of a god game.

Pearl said...

I did not know that about howler monkeys, Lulu...

Tell me about the Americans (U.S.) Uncle Gadjo Dilo. :-) I could use a laugh!
(Lay-offs coming Monday: Hysterical females everywhere, all ears tuned for the other shoe to drop, etc.)


Gadjo Dilo said...

I dashed this one off as I was expecting I might be fired later that day and I wanted to brace myself. As it happens I survived, for the time being.

Very insightful, Bananas, there are indeed many natural remedies used over here, but none of them can counteract the bowel problems caused by the stodginess of the food.

Bro T., or anything that happens to be under it at the time :-)

Lulu, as I was saying.... Is that really true? Is does indeed sound like rather a good game, if one is a monkey.

Pearl, dear Pearl, "the other shoe to drop" is an expression I've never heard before and I like it! If your job in danger on Monday I hope you have some emotional support around. I can't think of anything even mildly amusing to say about Americans right now, but literature etc often thrives in times of crisis, so I'm hoping for another John Steinbeck - and that you've already found your 2nd F. D. Roosevelt :-) I'm feeling a bit sober, sorry.

No Good Boyo said...

Whenever I feel sorry for myself I think of those better off than me and how hard they seem to work. Then I turn back tomy newspaper, pour another coffee and laugh like a coyote.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Boyo, I admire your chutzpah, though I fear that this wouldn't work in my office: they wouldn't even need to ask me why I wasn't getting on with my work, they'd just pass by with the look that said that.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Luckily, everyone I know is worse off than me. This does not make me feel guilty. On the contrary, it puts a spring in my step.

Once, in my youth, a bent vet let me have some horse tranquilizers. I would thoroughly recommend a course of these babies to counteract the mopes.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Mrs Pouncer, errr, wise words. You do have an enchanted life, and only a killjoy of the first water would begrudge you a few amps of ketamine to help maintain this!

scarlet-blue said...

I blow my saxophone very hard to shake of the mopes. But it gives me sore lips.

Gadjo Dilo said...

The sore lips are worth it, Scarlet; in fact they're always certain proof of an activity well achieved!

the projectivist said...

i prefer to think of my handshake as 'firm'. i will only revert to 'crushing' if i don't like the look of you.