Thursday, February 19, 2009

Power To The People!

I voted for the mayor on Sunday, for the second time, and I got it right both times. It’s feels so good to be a winner! Our beloved Emil Boc - elected on platform of “lets simply mend the roads and not antagonise anybody*, which he largely fulfilled - recently received the call to become his county’s 14,7859th prime minister and so we, the grateful people of Cluj, have elected his deputy in his place. But the list of candidates did not really present the cream of this fine city, in my opinion, so here are my top-ten for the town hall, the only criteria being that they must have been born here or hereabouts:

#10 Gheorghe Mureşan

A 7’ 7” former-NBA basketball player, and actor, born in a village near here. He may seem merely a gentle chap with a pituitary disorder, but think about it, when in Romanian politics his huge bear-like hands could cream the money that much faster off of the EU honeypot.

#9 Sándor Végh CBE

Ethnic-Hungarian violinist - if someone in town hall’s going to “fiddle” the accounts it might as well be a maestro - born here when the town was called Kolozsvár. A favourite of mine as he specialised in chamber music and many of his groups, e.g. The Hungarian Quartet, have an outstanding reputation for their interpretations of Bartók, Beethoven, etc. Shame there’s no street named after him here when so many are named after Romanians that nobody’s heard of.

#8 László Tőkés

The actual Catalyst That Sparked The Revolution. In December 1989 it was a protest concerning this ethnic-Hungarian pastor which eventually let to Ceauşescu’s overthrow, belatedly and with bloodshed. He’s gone on to be elected by Romanian Magyars as a member of the EU, but still looks like he’s not having much fun. A very solid candidate - for the Hungarian wing of the Face-Like-A-Slapped-Arse party.

#7 Mrs Dilo

Could do it, should do it, but her natural modesty always gets in the way. So, no canapés or Ferrero Rocher for me then.

#6 Mrs Dilo’s Mother

Could do it, should do it, and would do it. Food would be distributed for free but all other transactions would be argued down to a matter of farthings, and always to her opponents’ disadvantage. Would put this town straight within a week.

#5 Mrs Dilo’s Father

Only in an ideal world, where his admirably positive view of humanity would ensure he’d let everybody get on with what they wanted to do and that everything would turn out alright in the end.

#4 Max

A dog belonging to one of Mrs Dilo’s cousins. Actually, it’s claimed he’s half-wolf - he certainly looks it, though how he was prised away from his mother has yet to be satisfactorily explained. At less than 1 year old he’s still perhaps a little wet behind the ears, but I reckon he’d look topping in the mayoral sash.

#3 Gabriela Irimia

One half of The Cheeky Girls. Has already brushed up against politics in the shape of Liberal Democrat asteroid-botherer Lembit Öpik, so she’s well primed for the job. I was on the plane with the girls once. They had the only two reserved seats on a WizzAir flight yet still nobody paid them any attention, until in baggage reclaim that is, when a group of lost English lads greeted them with “F*ck me, it’s The Cheeky Girls!!”, which prompted beaming smiles and much autographing of body parts.

#2 Monica Irimia

The other half of the Cheeky Girls. Frankly, they’re as gorgeous and as talented as each other, so they could do the job on a rota system and nobody would know the difference. Öpik himself must have made the wrong choice some nights when he’d come in from work tired, so Monica probably knows as much as her sister.

#1 Lulu

No, not the warbling Glaswegian lady-hobbit, but a Cluj “character”, a vagabond, beggar and sage, with a reputation for hiding in coffins. He’s six-foot under ground now but I reckon he’d make as good a mayor in death as he would have done in life - his response to all questions and greetings was an emphatic yet appropriately vague “You will see!!” Not quite Churchill or JFK, perhaps, but apparently many citizens turned out for his funeral.

* Exactly opposite policies of his predecessor, Gheorghe “Mad-Dog” Funar, who surely deserves a post all of his own some time.


Gyppo Byard said...

Enlightening - the only ones I'd heard of being Sandor Vegh, Mrs Dilo and The Cheeky Girls.

Can I propose that the loser of the election goes on to star in a Holywood teen flick titled "Clujless"?

Lulu LaBonne said...

Get them all to form a committee given that each has a special contribution to make - Mrs Dilo's mum could argue about farthings while the Cheeky Girls dance around - And you'd get the Ferrero Rochers

No Good Boyo said...

I love your city and wish it well. I also wrote the pedestrian BBC profile of Mr Boc:

Might I also nominate the dog that barks sans cesse opposite the Topaz Hotel on Septimiu Albini Street and "Mad Iancu", the city's most deranged wedding violinist?

scarlet-blue said...

'lets simply mend the roads and not antagonise anybody'

Erm... could this be made a worldwide policy?

Francis Sedgemore said...

"#3 Gabriela Irimia"

Grinning idiot alert!

inkspot said...

And London has Boris. Well, what do you expect, with "A bj from BJ" as his slogan, wasn't it?

Kevin Musgrove said...

I'm sure the chippie Scots warbler could do a perfectly fine job as mayor somewhere. Somewhere far away.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Tokes could lead the "I'm going to cut your balls off and feed them them to the chickens party". A man with a face like that is capable of serious harm.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Michael Howard is reportedly thinking about making a late entry.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Ooh, you don't want the principle loser of this election - the candidate for PSD, the former communists - to star in anything, Gyppo, he's a police guy obsessed with "security".

Lulu, count me in, as long as there's Ferrero Rochers and I get the chance to say "Really ambassador, you are spoiling us!"

Thanks for your endorsement, Boyo. That's a neat summary of Mr Boc, befitting his dapper persona. There are many dogs like that and they can't all be given political power - Cluj is a democracy, but it's not 5th Century Athens.

Great idea, Scarlet: you could start a new political party with exactly that message!

Haaaaaa!!! Nice one, Francis. How many ways can Liberal Democrat politicians make themselves look like tits; let us count the ways.

"A bj from BJ", Inkspot? The news that Boris had become mayor of London seemed to be news from outer space when I first heard it, and I'm afraid this doesn't elucidate it any further!

Kevin, she probably could. Everybody with a Freeman's catalogue would certainly vote for her.

Bananas, there may be a Hungarian recipe that involves such comestibles. Seriously though, Tőkés may be a bit grumpily nationalistic but he's put up with some serious shit in his time, so hats off to him.

Daphne, Michael Howard indeed. He might do well here if he played up the Dracula connection but played down the Jewish one. 'Fraid so.

scarlet-blue said...

When was the last time you saw a Freeman's catalogue, Gadj??

Mrs Pouncer said...

I wish you well, I really do. However, I have lost all faith in any sort of democracy after seeing Tzipi toppled this week. It really is beyond all reason. FYI I am having a Tzipi at Nicky Clarke tomorrow. It is all the rage in Hendon, and potential candidates might do well to pay more attention to their coiffeur. I mean, look at Boris. The Barbie-haired buffoon rode to triumph on the crest of his considerable quiff. The Cheekies have recently opted for fringes. The Americans call this "bangs". Mrs Thatcher had hair that resembled a sheet of glue. I could go on, but I am about to start drinking.

No Good Boyo said...

Gadjo, I see you avoided the "Iancu" question. I won't let you get away with it.

Well done Mrs Pouncer, the Tzipi look is the gentleman's choice, as you may recall:

Mrs Netanyahu is not an adequate substitute.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Scarlet, about 25 years ago at a guess. Shy, doesn't she she pose for them any more??

Mrs Pouncer, I am almost totally out of date with any politics that isn't covered by the Romanian Rural Broadcasting Corporating or Animal Planet. Tzipi is an Israeli politician, yes? Who have they elected instead? You are my news service, so you have some considerable power here. My friend Marta cuts my hair - for free, as it was me who bought her the scissors!

Oh, "Bibi" Netanyahu has been elected. I will galdly talk about "Mad" Iancu any time you like, Boyo! Several gypsy violinists attended our civil wedding - uninvited, but welcome all the same - though if any of them were mad they were manfully reigning it in. I've met a couple of others, but need to do more research to do a proper post on the subject!

Brother Tobias said...

If László tokes it looks to me as if he should change his dealer.

scarlet-blue said...

You're probably more likely to see The Cheeky Girls modelling for Freemans than Lulu, Gadj.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Lulu's reinvented herself and is going by the name of Jeremy Clarkson these days.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Brother T, I feel a new post coming on! (Actually, due to the out-to-lunch-ness of the Hungarian language, his surname sounds more like "Turkish".)

The Cheeky Girls could do anything, Scarlet, that's how talented they are.

Lulu = Jeremy Clarkson, Kev, I think you may be right, if only because that's too wacky to invent!