Friday, February 13, 2009

TV Transylvania #2

I sent my previous list of suggestions to the Director General of TV Transylvania but so far have heard nothing. Very strange considering how my wife’s friend knows his cousin’s hairdresser and was sure she could put in a good word for me. Anyway, there you go, I’ve had to think of a couple more:


TIME TOILET

The state of the toilets in rural Romania would make a coprophile blush, but I don't mind them. (The smell of one’s wife’s relative’s crap may be overpowering but at least it makes a change from the smell of animal crap which is dominant elsewhere.) And they’ve given me a first-rate idea for another TV show. Like those kids shows* where mop-topped youngsters or English eccentrics go into a tunnel or a phone box or whatever and it takes them to another moment in time. Except in this show people would be transported to 2009 – yes, THE PRESENT! Bloke goes in thinking about his animals, his soil, Laura Lavric (again) and his dinner, and he emerges thinking about hedge funds, feng shui, Russell Brand and existential angst. He’ll wish he hadn’t bothered. Plus, all the nations’ couch potatoes are laughing at him!

*Yes, yes they are, they’re kids’ shows: Doctor Who is not scripted by Shakespeare, in the same way that Harry Potter books are not written by Fyodor Dostoyevsky.


TOP DACIA*

This was going to be a contrived attempt to tell Jeremy Clarkson that he’s wrong. I used to hate him, seeing as how I’ve almost never owned a car yet don’t feel my life to have been entirely meaningless. Admittedly, I gained a grudging respect for the man when he convinced the nation that oily rag I. K. Brunel was our number 2 Briton. But now I just found out that he punched arch media-tw*t Piers Morgan, and my hatred has turned almost to affection. A Dacia is a Romanian car. They make fancy ones now with French engines and cappuccino holders, but the real one is a 1970s design that you run on petrol, butane, ţuică, manure, or any mixture thereof. It’s the best car here simply because it’s 6 inches higher off the ground than any other car, and it needs to be. If Clarkson ever has to do community service for crimes against the ozone layer, I’ll make a case for the defence that he comes here and makes programmes only about Dacias, and he’s got to have a pig on the passenger seat and 2 ton of straw on the roof-rack.

*Pretend that it rhymes with “Gear”, though it doesn’t really.

24 comments:

Kevin Musgrove said...

Where does the crate of beer go?

The question pertains to both series.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I can't see what's wrong with the Dacia. If Jeremy Clarkson ever comes to Romania, I'd like to hire some gypsies to urinate on his car, whatever make it is. And possibly on him as well.

scarlet-blue said...

How about scrapping the Time Toilet idea and instead have 'Changing Toilets' with Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen?
Sx

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Peugeots are popular in West Africa for the same reason - high wheel base. After learning of Clarkson's assault on Moron, he is my new hero.

Lulu LaBonne said...

I've driven with a pig in the passenger seat so the Dacia is probably the car for me.

Ditto yourself and Daphne on the revised opinion of Clarkson

Autolycus said...

"And the pig got up and slowly walked away" seems not unapt.

Francis Sedgemore said...

"The state of the toilets in rural Romania would make a coprophile blush"

Sounds like one for a UK parliamentary factfinding jolly headed by Mark Oaten MP.

"But now I just found out that he [Clarkson] punched arch media-tw*t Piers Morgan"

This is nothing. Millions of Britons do this every night in their dreams. Clarkson is still a cnut.

No Good Boyo said...

I've warmed to Clarkson since he confessed to loving all Welshmen and starting mocking the one-eyed. He'll be after those squinting buggers next. Good on him!

The Dacia sells well in Ukraine, whose own car - the Zaporozhets - makes the British car industry look like an attractive investment.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Kev, in your stomach, mainly. Sell the cans to gypsies as scrap metal and get 50p (the price of an extra can).

Bananas, that can be arranged. It is a great car, and see that long silver thing on the back? Have a prang and you only have to straighten that out rather than pay £500 for a whole new rear end - no wonder the bastard car manufactures don't fit them any more!

Oh yes, Scarley. I'd love to see L L-B turn our rural toilets into something even more hideous, and keep his floppy cuffs from getting dirty all the while.

Daphers, and they manufactured the Reliant Kitten in India. Tell Clarkson that if he's a persistant offender his next spell of porrige is over there!

Lulu, oh dear, and did this pig constantly criticise your driving and come out with remarks like "tsch, next we'll be giving them the vote!?

Mr Autolycos, welcome back. That's exactly what a pig would do, as they are rather dignified animals despite their reputation.

Francis, did Mark Oaten really do what Private Eye claimed?? He was born not far from me and at about the same time - shit, I may have unknowingly shared a public toilet with him at some time.

Boyo, Clarkson has confessed to loving all Welshmen? I'm sure that man could successfully argue a case for anything! I'm very pleased to hear about the Dacia's success in Ukraine; it must be its looks - just take a butcher's at the bitchin' booty in the picture.

Francis Sedgemore said...

"Francis, did Mark Oaten really do what Private Eye claimed??"

Did Oaten deny it? I don't recall him doing so. What I do remember is a "moment of madness" defence, and then a long, drawn-out woe-is-me-I-blame-the-stresses-of-political-life whinge. That was really quite clever, because everyone quickly bored of Oaten and left moved on to the next celebrity unfortunate.

Private Eye is usually at least half right about these things.

Ché l'écossais said...

Lock Piers and Jeremy in a Dacia and throw the key away. And film it.
I'd certainly watch that show.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Didn't Mark Oaten blame it all on his male pattern hair-loss?

Gadjo Dilo said...

Private Eye is indeed worth reading on many counts, Francis. Unfortunately I was either out of the country or too occupied to have heard the full revelation of this bit of news!

Ché l'écossais, hoots monsieur!! Indeed, and then wait until the pig starts to feel hungry.

Kevin, don't tell Gyppo.

Can Bass 1 said...

Cappacino holder? Really?

Gadjo Dilo said...

Mr Can Bass, I have really no idea I just made that up. But Dacia is owned by Renault now, so maybe it's a holder for one of those poncy Pernod glasses.

inkspot said...

The Wikipedia article on ţuică gives the impression that there is no time inappropriate for its consumption.

Is this a slur on a great nation, or the opposite?

Gadjo Dilo said...

It keeps this nation great, Inkspot, except that in my experience there's surprisingly little drunk driving here.

Lulu LaBonne said...

The pig didn't criticise my driving but he did try and get out of the window

Gyppo Byard said...

Could I suggest a programme for Radio Transylvania: "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Cluj"?

Gorilla - I'd urinate on Clarkson for free. Not that I dislike him, but it'd be a laugh.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Lulu, I'm surprised, pigs are content almost anyway, the seats in your car must be very uncomfortable indeed.

Gyppo, "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Cluj", it's a good 'un, but this town had it's one moment in the spotlight last year with its football team in the Champions league, and I fear we are forgotten now.

Mrs Pouncer said...

I truly wish you wouldn't say "toilet", Gadjie, it grates so. Here in the Thames Valley, it is lavatory, loo or cludjie. Nothing else will do. I am very surprised that Inky didn't object; he is with me on horse-riding and having a tassled umbrella.

Mr Mark Oaten said a very stupid thing, to wit and viz: sorry, but I blame my early-onset baldness. I mean, really! It is beyond reason. And Mrs Mark Oaten said a stupider thing, which was: I explained to the children that daddy had broken one of our marriage vows. What fucking vow was that? I have been through the glorious ritual which marks the holy estate more than once, and I can't remember anything about not sleeping with rent boys. Or even sleeping with rent boys. Yes, I was pissed, but I KNOW I would've picked up on that. Lots of love btw.

Gyppo Byard said...

Mrs P - I recall a line about 'forsaking all others'. I don't remember a footnote saying 'except rent-boys', but maybe I wasn't paying enough attention, being more worried about the egg-crushing bit that was coming later...

Gadjo Dilo said...

Is "toilet" very "Non-U", Mrs Pouncer? I never had any idea what that was all about. I used to call it "a bog", which would be the most fitting word for the ones I've been descriping here. Great that you're back, you must tell us what's been happening, in your own time.

Gyppo and Mrs P., there's a lot of stuff not said in the marriage ceremony vows as most vicars can't keep a straight face for long enough, and are wanting to get home to their boyfriends anyway. Oops, who'd have thought I'd be a Sun reader...

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