Gadjo in the Dragons Den #1

That Dragon’s Den programme was great – is it still running? I’d like to be on it, and show those fat cats a couple of revolutionary ideas that’ll change the world that I’ve thought of, and they’re going to start saying “alright, Mr Dilo, I‘m prepared to invest £50,000 in your idea for 40% of the profits” and stuff even before I’ve finished the demonstration. Even if they don’t I’ve already had an offer Mr Isaac Ummintorobyou formerly of the Central Bank of Nigeria who’s got a large amount of money he needs to send to Europe right now. People have called me stupid before but here’s where I show them:

Balloon Modelling Kit

We’ve all seen those street performers who bend balloons into the shapes of rabbits, dogs, spaceships, etc. Great, aren’t they. But even top-flight entertainment like that needs a new direction once in a while. This is why I’ve come up with the All-New Balloon Modelling Kit. The twist is that you model small animals into the shapes of balloons. See, it’s the other way around – neat, eh?! The kit comes with a rabbit, a dachshund, a tabby cat, a stoat (or a weasel, depending on availability) and a few hamsters to get you started. The animals will all be docile and reasonably robust. The balloon you make is of course entirely your own choice, though you’d be advised to make one that’s fairly appropriate to your raw materials. Dachshunds of course lend themselves to long thin balloons, and I’m training the cats to puff themselves up by holding their breath for the small round ones and the rabbits to keep their ears down for the pear shaped ones. I'm expecting the hamsters to be more versatile. Believe me, this is going to be a hit at children’s parties – just watch their faces!!


Testicle Recognition System

Fingerprinting has been with us for a long time, but the average criminal can get round it by application of a little battery acid. Iris recognition systems are supposed to be really accurate, but most criminals’ eyes are really squinty like Clint Eastwood's in Escape From Alcatraz or else they wear sunglasses, and then it’s not going to work. However, even the most hardened criminal is still going to have testicles, and that’s where my idea comes in. Your nadger is such a maze of furrows that no two are alike. My system currently consists of a camera and a felt-tip pen for highlighting the outstanding features on each photograph, but I'd like to develop this. I’ve experimented so far on distinguishing my left one from my right one and I have a 87% success rate - and most of the remaining 13% was when I’d just had a bath, which tends to make them look more alike – which is pretty good for a prototype. I reckon this idea could be used on the new ID cards we’ve been hearing so much about, and I’m expecting a call from the Home Office any time soon.