Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Gadjo in the Dragons Den #1

That Dragon’s Den programme was great – is it still running? I’d like to be on it, and show those fat cats a couple of revolutionary ideas that’ll change the world that I’ve thought of, and they’re going to start saying “alright, Mr Dilo, I‘m prepared to invest £50,000 in your idea for 40% of the profits” and stuff even before I’ve finished the demonstration. Even if they don’t I’ve already had an offer Mr Isaac Ummintorobyou formerly of the Central Bank of Nigeria who’s got a large amount of money he needs to send to Europe right now. People have called me stupid before but here’s where I show them:

Balloon Modelling Kit

We’ve all seen those street performers who bend balloons into the shapes of rabbits, dogs, spaceships, etc. Great, aren’t they. But even top-flight entertainment like that needs a new direction once in a while. This is why I’ve come up with the All-New Balloon Modelling Kit. The twist is that you model small animals into the shapes of balloons. See, it’s the other way around – neat, eh?! The kit comes with a rabbit, a dachshund, a tabby cat, a stoat (or a weasel, depending on availability) and a few hamsters to get you started. The animals will all be docile and reasonably robust. The balloon you make is of course entirely your own choice, though you’d be advised to make one that’s fairly appropriate to your raw materials. Dachshunds of course lend themselves to long thin balloons, and I’m training the cats to puff themselves up by holding their breath for the small round ones and the rabbits to keep their ears down for the pear shaped ones. I'm expecting the hamsters to be more versatile. Believe me, this is going to be a hit at children’s parties – just watch their faces!!


Testicle Recognition System

Fingerprinting has been with us for a long time, but the average criminal can get round it by application of a little battery acid. Iris recognition systems are supposed to be really accurate, but most criminals’ eyes are really squinty like Clint Eastwood's in Escape From Alcatraz or else they wear sunglasses, and then it’s not going to work. However, even the most hardened criminal is still going to have testicles, and that’s where my idea comes in. Your nadger is such a maze of furrows that no two are alike. My system currently consists of a camera and a felt-tip pen for highlighting the outstanding features on each photograph, but I'd like to develop this. I’ve experimented so far on distinguishing my left one from my right one and I have a 87% success rate - and most of the remaining 13% was when I’d just had a bath, which tends to make them look more alike – which is pretty good for a prototype. I reckon this idea could be used on the new ID cards we’ve been hearing so much about, and I’m expecting a call from the Home Office any time soon.

20 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

The problem with testicles is you can't see them because they're inside a sack. It's all down to touch, which is very imprecise. Arse-reading is a better idea in my view.

gaw said...

An old gypsy once told me you can predict your future through arse-reading.

Ana said...

May I suggest adding the elusive fisher cat to your menagerie? It could be part of the deluxe package, which would also include a first aid kit, of course.

Kevin Musgrove said...

light dawns...

...Inspector Knacker...

Madame DeFarge said...

Gadjo - I have to inform you that Her Majesty's Home Department has already explored the TRS at first hand and feels that the market is shrinking. Take it from one who knows from the inside.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Have you tried sitting naked on a cushion soaked in ink and then doing bollock prints on the back of some old rolls of wallpaper to see how that worked? I imagine you'd have to involve your arse - it might turn out as a sort of Rorschach blot, if it didn't really work as an identification aid you could go into home furnishings

Lulu LaBonne said...

BTW - someone called Bogdan showed me how to make a ghiveci a few hours ago - is that the sort of thing you eat?

Gadjo Dilo said...

Bananaman, it's the sack we're interested in: I suspect the twin naked plums of manhood that are coddled within would show a disappointing lack of irregularity across any given population.

Welcome Mr Gaw! That must have been a very old gypsy, and at least 3 mirrors.

I'm afraid the "fisher cat" eludes me too, my dear recently-promoted-to-department-chair Ana. Is it a Fisher Price toy??

Good 'un, Kev. Takes a Lancastrian to find a perfect pun like that.

Madame, I can see you really are an enthusiast for this! I will now tell them to cough up the money I need to develop my idea.

Lools, yes. In fact I'm sitting on a cusion of ink right now, not for any scientific or home furnishing reason but simply because I enjoy it. Incidentally, a psychiatrist once showed me one of those ink blots - which I suspect he made using his own testicles, now I come to think about it - and asked me what it reminded me of. "A Rorschach blot!" I replied. Ha, that always pisses them off.

A ghiveci can be either a flowerpot or a "hotpot" of veg and (maybe) meat. I hope it's the latter if you're being asked to eat it.

Ana said...

For your review:

http://home.mcn.net/~wtu/fisher.html

Far from a Fisher Price toy, to be sure, but there are days when I would consider letting my kids play with one.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Ah yes, one of those "cute-yet-lethal" animals: give the kids a couple of its kittens to play with then wait till the mother turns up ;-)

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

I think that animal is what we used to call in Africa a bush rat or a grasscutter. Anything called "pork" "beef" "lamb" or simply "meat" in West Africa will likely be bushrat.

Gyppo Byard said...

Your second suggestion reminds me of one of my heroes, 'Professor' Patrick Cullen; who - "after a military career spent largely in Shanghai brothels" (as John Grant put it in 'The Directory of Discarded Ideas') came up with the idea of diagnostic breast-printing.

Female patients would be offered the chance to have paint smeared on their mammaries by Cullen, who would then print them onto a sheet of paper and interpret the medical results.

He came unstuck when the editor of the BMJ journal sent him a print made with two oranges, from which he deduced vitamin C defficiency.

Still, you have to admire him for having a go, eh?

Scarlet-Blue said...

How come no one has mentioned the fine art of Fanny Printing?
Sx

Pearl said...

:-)
You have an interesting take on life, Mr. Dilo. I suspect that you and I could be fabulous friends.

As for testicle printing, your 87% accuracy rate is impressive; however, I am interested in what kidn of crime your part of Europe is in the throes of if there are testicle prints to be had...

Pearl

Gadjo Dilo said...

Daphne, it's a shame that the bushrat cannot be assessed on its own culinary merits without disguising it as something else. Same goes for "rock salmon" and "long pig".

Gyppo, I so want to believe that story is true, and, as it's you, I'm going to! I now want to hear that he received a couple of prints of woman who was suckling, who he diagnosed as having lactose deficiency (medics and feminists, please correct me here).

Scarley, dear, I dunno how efficient that would be. We seem to be entering the realms of looking at skid marks on underwear!

Pearly, I'd love to be your fabulous friend! Yes, errr, I haven't quite worked out yet how the prints might be obtained - except by using the new x-ray specs I'm developing. Nudist colony crime is not perhaps a major problem, yet.

Gyppo Byard said...

Many years ago, it was part of my job on evening shifts to read through the websites of New Zealand's leading dailies (don't ask). The only truly memorable story I recall was headlined "MOONING RUGGER PLAYER HIT BY WOMAN MOTORIST".

Now *there* was a crime for which testicle printing might have been a relevant technique, but for the fact that the victim's identity was not in doubt, since he was the one lying on the road with a broken pelvis...

No Good Boyo said...

Was there ever a serial killer who lowered his knackers onto the unseeing eyes of his victims, which then bore the imprint that led to his eventual capture?

If not, I bags the idea and will write the screenplay now.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Wasn't that in one of Agatha Christie's "Tommy & Tuppence" books?

Gadjo Dilo said...

Gyppo, which aspect did the New Zealand dailies play up - the fact that he was mooning or that she was a woman motorist? Maybe the former is considered more acceptible in rugger-land!

Boyo, if there hasn't been then you're the man to make it. I'm thinking it could be a BBC series, like Midsomer Murders, and could even be shown before the watershed as it surely never occured to Lord Reith etc to issue directives banning testicle depiction, artistically in-keeping or otherwise.

Kevin, that's very possible, the one she published under the name "Xaviera McPseudonym".

No Good Boyo said...

"Jack the Knackerclacker".