Tuesday, February 16, 2010

St.Valentine’s Day Massacre

In which Gadjo trashes the tradition of February 14th and, most crucially, that strange comic strip featuring two naked pre-pubescents with no genitals (right). (I almost missed Valentine's Day this year – hence the belatedness of this post - but just remembered in time to pop to the graveyard to get a bunch of flowers. Here is what happens if you forget, curtesy of Gaws’ blog.) To do this he will use the famous phrase from the film Love Story and then pervert it, repeatedly. Levenshtein edit distance* (“LED”) will be employed to gauge the extent of this perversion.

Love Is.... never having to say you’re sorry. The paradigm. LED = 0.

Love Is.... never having to save your lolly. No worries about having to get your hard-earned dosh to a bank when she’s spending it all on shoes and scratch-cards – right, guys? LED = 9.

Love Is.... never having to pay for your folly. You may feel your marriage was folly but you’re still better in it than paying alimony – right, guys?? LED = 11.

Love Is.... never having to change your story. If you can use the same excuse time after time it proves your marriage is a solid one. LED = 11.

Love Is.... never having to wash your trollies. Leave them scattered around the bedroom floor if you must but washing them yourself will infringe a sacred marriage taboo. LED = 13.

Love Is.... never having too gay a hobby. Dancing, Ice Skating and Writing Poetry may all be said to be ‘gay’ but - and it’s a very big ‘but’ - not only will they put you in contact with lots of women but they’ll also make you a chick magnet. The wife’s not going to like that, and will insist you take up rugby, chess, or stamp-collecting instead. LED = 13.

Love Is.... never leaving to get your jollies. Make your sex life and your marriage life overlap, that’d be my advice. LED = 15.

Love is.... forever having to bathe in her glory. Perhaps the biggest perversion of all. She’s better than you are and everybody thinks she’s great. Learn to live with it. LED = 17.

* This metric calculates the minimum number of edits (insertions, deletions, or substitutions) needed to transform one “string” (in this case a series of letters) into the other; e.g. smite
--> kitten has an edit distance of 4: 1 substitution of ‘k’ for ‘s’, 1 deletion of ‘m’, and 2 insertions of ‘t’ and ‘n’. The algorithm for calculating (the very impressive, nuclear physics-sounding) Levenshtein edit distance has great significance in my life: having learnt it in my previous job I used it during the trial period of my current one; the boss maybe had heard of it but maybe didn’t know it was fairly simple to implement or that I didn’t know much about other algorithms – I passed the trial period and got a contract.


Gorilla Bananas said...

I don't believe this punning is an exact science, otherwise you could write any old cobblers. Love is never having to bring your brolly. What the hell does that mean? Have you ever used Mrs Dilo as an umbrella?

The Jules said...

What's the LED for "Love is . . . you've ruined my life, woman!"

worm said...

Love is....not having to have sex with a dolly?

Camilla Jessop said...

'bathing in her glory'. Well really, Mr Dilo! Is this another one of your euphemisms? It is an extreme perversion when one does a.....well, a Number 1 over a partner, no matter how willing they are. In my view, you are becoming excessively front-bottom orientated.

Nikos said...

Did I hear the expression "front-bottom orientated"?
Last time i experienced this was when my daughter did a wedgy on a fast water slide in Bodrum.

Gaw said...

Ahhh! LED obviously also stands for Love-Emitting Dilo.

Lulu LaBonne said...

I'm with Camilla here - too much front bottom!

Gadjo Dilo said...

Bananas, on the contrary, Levenshtein is very exact! But unfortunately it doesn't understand whether something rhymes or not.

The Jules, a big LED there, don't even think about it.

Worm, hmm, I imagine there are many good reasons not to have sex with a dolly, but I take your point.

Camilla, eh?? I see now I'm a complete amateur when it comes to euphemisms - I've no idea how you got that idea.

Nikos, Camilla was the one that mentioned it, as she usually does. That sounds like a scene from Kevin and Perry Go Large.

Gaw, yes, the real Gadjo Dilo remembered St. Valentine's day, bought some rather expensive orchids, and then spend several hours making heart-shaped gingerbread biscuts (true)!

Lulu, there was no front-bottom here whatsoever! Hmm, I see I'm in danger of getting a bad reputation here, something will have to be done.

inkspot said...

Yes a non-gay hobby is important but both justification and elision are required. E.g. poker ("at least I'm not out drinking or chasing other women") which involves terminological inexactitude over the money concerned.

Alice Scradcza said...

Old Lithuanian saying: Love is like a good weld. It needs plenty of good flux."

Gadjo Dilo said...

Inky, ah, I knew I could rely on you for a elaboration of the scientific angle :-) Levenshtein considers elision just as punishable as substitution, though a variant can be made where this is not so.

Alice, and how old is that "old Lithuanian saying" exactly?? Not older than the science of welding I'll bet!

Percy Weiper said...

What or where is this 'front bottom?' This is English I haven't learned.

Gyppo Byard said...

Love is never having to spray your polly - since cohabiting with Mrs Byard, she has cleaned up my living space to the point where I haven't had to de-louse my pet parrot once!

Gadjo Dilo said...

Percy, I've no idea either, it's an expression imported into this blog from abroad, but I fear it's gaining currency.

Gyppo, there are indeed many blessings in having a metilulous, hard-working cohabitee, and that is one of the foremost. Does it talk? (The parrot, I mean).

Madame DeFarge said...

Love is remembering that it makes you a wally. Or just mad for love.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Madame, indeed it does, and in the most delightful way :-)