Thursday, February 25, 2010

Armchair Critics #2

Mrs Dilo and I were really looking forward to these Olympics in Vancouver and to once again see the world’s top athletes sweating and straining to the very limit of their endurance whilst clad in skimpy vests and skin-tight lycra. But then we remembered that it’s the winter Olympics, and it’s not like that. Everybody’s in a nylon jump-suit like they were on their way to an ABBA convention and goggles so you can’t see if they’re really concentrating or just going through the motions before the après ski. Now, I take full responsibility for my views here: anybody who skis is surely enthralled by every single twist and turn and I bow to their greater knowledge, and indeed fully understand that they may regard my preferred sport, cricket, as about as interesting as a wet Sunday afternoon in Merthyr Tydfil. However, we were a bit peeved and disappointed:

I’m a bit peeved and disappointed.

So am I. And now that that bloke died in a practice session we can’t even hope for people crashing to give us entertainment.

I know. But now it’s a change from the skiing, it’s that jumping thing.

Oh no. Where they slide down a ramp and then fly off the end like one of those tree frogs off of Animal Planet and then land either a bit shorter or a bit longer than the previous bloke but nobody knows why?

Yes. What is there to say about it. Hmm, this one shouldn’t have chosen the red suit.

Indeed. He’s got a Nordic complexion, should have chosen the blue, and preferably in a lighter shade.

Ooh, I think this is the biathlon: they have to ski and then stop and see how many baked beans they can eat.

Baked beans? Are you sure?

It's something like that. Oh no, it's shooting. What's the point of that?

It must be relevant if you live in the arctic tundra of northern Lapland.

But who does?

Exactly.

Bobsleigh’s next. Did you ever see the film Cool Runnings?

About the Jamaican bobsleigh team? I did, and I thought it major missed opportunity. I mean, those lads could have totally taken the mickey out of the event for once and for all instead of trying to win it – they could have had Bob Marley blaring out of the in-bob stereo system and been laughing and smoking ganja all the way down!

That’s an appalling racial stereotype, I’m surprised at you.

Sorry. But you see now to what depths these ridiculous sports send me.

Err, ahem, I think there is speed skating now.

Wah! Oh my G...... Who let the gimps out?! I can’t believe I’m watching this. I’m going to my room to read some Kierkegaard - suddenly I no longer know if there’s any point to existence.

OK. Good luck with that

19 comments:

worm said...

...but have you seen the skicross yet??? It's excellent! Best sport event I've seen in ages!

Nikos said...

I just see it as a bunch of show offs having fun in the snow and drinking gluhwein at our expense.

Then again I'm a sad old jealous git!

Susan said...

Wow! I haven't seen any of the Winter Olympics yet. Catsuits are a hot fashion item for the summer, though not sure the participants in your video clip do them justice - especially the guy bent double in a hooded red lycra number with one hand up his backside. Bring back Linford Christie!

Gaw said...

Yes, I think you covered it all there! I wish they'd all go away really. I'm already disappointed about 2012.

Camilla Jessop said...

Well Mr Dilo, I am thankful - if surprised - that you haven't mentioned Gillian Cooke displaying her back bottom when her Lycra suit split. You are developing some control at last.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Can we go back to the music Gadj? I'm not doing telly or sport and I can't keeping up here.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Do you remember Eddie 'The Shitehawk' Eagle? I loved the way he became a hero for being crap. Those ridiculous arse-freezing sports should not be taken seriously.

Eryl Shields said...

I rather like the red gimp suit, it would go down well in this town, I reckon, toned down with sensible brogues and a cardi.

Was Kierkegaard the one who couldn't be in a room with a dog, not because he disliked dogs, but because he liked them too much; or the one who kicked his neighbour down the stairs because he was noisy? I'm hoping knowing this will give me a way into Either/Or.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Worm, no I haven't seen the skicross, and am not even sure what it is. Your enthusiasm is infectious, I must seek it out.

Nikos, exactly, it's all about gluhwein, and Jägermeister, and whatever else it is they drink. They should simply have a good snowball fight and be like the rest of us.

Susan, catsuits are pretty hot, I guess, though perhaps a bit 1980s. Bring back Linford, indeed, and for me a few Russian pole-vault ladies.

Gaw, I thought I had too, but then realised that I'd forgoten about that curious biathlon thing!

Mrs Jessop, I'd never heard of this Cooke woman and unfortunately any video clips of the event you mention have been removed from YouTube due to "terms of use violation"... which just makes one want to see it all the more.

Lulu, yes, I've got lots to post about music but some people don't relate to it so I have to mix in this other stuff ;-)

Bananas, I remember the name but never actually saw him doing his thing - cripes I must have been busy in those days. I could probably enter the Olympics if doing things craply was the criterion.

Eryl, glad you could join us! Yes, that video takes a while to get to the lanky bloke in the gimp suit but I felt it was worth it. I didn't know about Kierkegaard and the dogs, but you may be right - he was a very indecisive character, as I understand, so he probably thought twice about everything, including being in a room with a dog.

nursemyra said...

those red lycra thighs are really scary

Camilla Jessop said...

MISS Jessop, please. And I should have known your prurient instinct would immediately have led you to YouTube instead of Huffingtonpost where it is still disgracefully there for all to see.

Madame DeFarge said...

I've missed the Olympics, due to studying, but will make up for it watching the rugby. Better thighs.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Nursemyra, they are aren't they, or a transport of delight, depending on one's point of view.

MISS Jessop, I'm terribly sorry. You mean this? Really, I do think you could have provided the link yourself instead of making me look for it.

Madame, better thighs indeed, and put to a darn sight better use.

Brit said...

Skicross is what the Winter Olympics should always have been - a proper race to a finishing line instead of the milli-second bit of the clock. If all the sports had them sliding/falling down the mountain together - like the Gloucester cheese roll thing -instead of one at a time, the Winter Olympics would be the greatest sporting spectacle on the planet.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Brit, ah, it does sound good, I'm convinced! (Though I'm still not entirely sure what it is). Has that Gloucester cheese-rolling been recommended to the Olympic committee as an a possible event for 2012? Should be.

Blasé said...

I actually like the song- 'SOS'...believe it or not.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Mr Blasé, sure I can believe that. ABBA were suberbly professional and their songs contained timeless messages - which of us, after all, has never felt the need to send out an SOS?

No Good Boyo said...

SOS is my favourite ABBA song. It should be taught in schools. Unlike sport, which ought to be allocated as punishment. Where are the Spartans now, eh?

Gadjo Dilo said...

Boyo, the Spartans losing of the Battle of Thermopylae is clear proof that enforced sport and homosexuality doesn't pay. How much better they'd have fared with the songs of Benny & Bjorn goading them forward we will never know.