Thursday, April 8, 2010

In Loco Parentis #1

WARNING: There now follows reference – agane and agane and agane – to a classic of (British) English literature. If you are not familiar with it then may I suggest that you go away and read it.

Well, even with your help I’m still not in possession of a “career”. And so, as I intimated in the previous post, I may have to resort finally to Plan Z and start teaching. I’ve got precisely one student, my neighbour the cobbler, but he’s as keen as mustard. First, however, we need to establish an educational establishment, and set out some rules, which make no mistake will be very very strict. My first decision is that I will teach Molesworth English - spellcheckers will be set to English (Molesworth), accordingly - this being an altogether better spelling system than standard English and much easier for a foreigner to learn. I do, however, want your advice on several other matters, the first being this:


St. Custard’s
As any fule kno this is the name of Molesworth’s skool and would be a very apropriate wun for ours seeing as how all classes will be held in the kichin.

Porridge Court
Continuing the kitchen theem. This was also the name of St. Custard’s rival skool to wich they lost many matchs of indiferently contested and mud-encrusted sport. I envisidge mud being a big feechure of skool life here as both of us have a habit of dragging it in from the garden and ekspecting our wives to cleer it up.

St. Cake’s
Fiktional skool from Private Eye magazine with Mr R.J. Kipling as headbeak. The only subjekt tort will be the pome If... chiz!.

St. Delia’s
Delia is patron saint both of custard and of cake and our neighbour hav shown a marked interest in subjekts of cake biskits jam chokolat et cetera every time he hav visited our kichin.

St. God’s
Our neighbour is however a Unitarian - a denomination that was started in this town akshualy if you are interested in hist.

The Fotherington-Thomas Academy for Young Gentlefolk
Being uterly wet and a weed who skip along crying Hullo clouds hullo sky! and blubbing like a gurl when seeing a lickle robin shall all be compulsory wich is another chiz.

St. Grabber’s
Former head boy of St. Custard’s and captane of everything (espeshialy foopball) and winer of the mrs joyful prize for rafia work. Grabber will by now hav inherited all his parents munny and we can name the skool after him for the ushual amount!

St. Elvis’s
Molesworth’s skool hav Wandsworth the skool dog a creechure so uterly sordid he make me shudder. Our cat Elvis will hav to take on his roll stoping the mice pinching the Radio Malt and runing erands to the bookmakers.

St. Mrs Dilo’s
Coo-ur gosh wot a titel but Mrs Dilo hav been apointed matron and hav to do most of the work:

Pleeze vote for the wun you feel most suggest akademic ekselense, caracter bilding and plane comon sens!


zmkc said...

Being sensible, Grabber's has to win it - just as he won everything else, including the Mrs Joyful et cetera - it's the only possible avenue of cash among your suggestions, isn't it (although I wonder if Fotherington Thomas has managed to make a stack from doing something wet in adult life - running some kind of yoga franchise?).
Does this mean you will be going to Budapest to undergo CELTA?

worm said...


Brit said...

What about St Bono's?

Brit said...

Hem hem.

Susan said...

I say down with all skool, but Wandsworth is close to home and a curious name for a dog, so got to be St Elvis.

Gadjo Dilo said...

zmkc, akording to one of the seekwels (wich was not writen by the original auther, tho, and so does not count) Fotherington-Tomas though uterly wet and a weed became a suksessful lawyer.

worm, cheers mate!

Brit, Bono has gone beyond sainthood, and messiah-hood, and even had the Pope begging him for his sunglasses. I don't know why anybody now bothers with education any more - The Joshua Tree really said everything we need to know.

Susan, yes, I don't know why he got called Wandsworth, but somehow it suits him :-)

Eryl Shields said...

'Would you like custard?' is a question that always thrills me, so I vote for St Custard's. Having said that, if you call it St Elvis you could branch out into weddings a little later, should the need arise.

Gaw said...

I second St Custards as it's a name that unfailingly raises a smile. I love these books so enjoyed that - ta.

BTW can anyone tell me where chiz comes from? I've been wondering for at least three decades now.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Being a fan of both custard and elvis myself I would vote for calling it the Elvis Custard Cream Skool

Gadjo Dilo said...

Eryl, good point, we can rent out our kitchen... I mean skool... for weddings and Elvis can provide the entertainmemnt. We'll even have him study the Torah so he can do Bar Bitsvahs as well.

Gaw, we're arriving at a consensus here but I fear the name may already be taken. I've no idea either where the word chiz comes from and have seen it used only in these books.

Lulu, or the Jerry Lee Lewis Digestive Academy or the Roy Orbison Ginger Nut College. How sad am I... looking at all possible Rock'n'Roller/bisuit puns and finding none :-(

佳芳佳芳 said...


Gaw said...

Ah, thanks 佳芳佳芳! Who would have thought chiz comes from the Chinese?

No Good Boyo said...

You are a compleet weed, Gadjo, you sa hello clouds hello trees.

One of the few funny moments in the later years of Punch was a Molesworthean piece on the plans to station Cruise missiles in, er, Molesworth. Can't remember it now, but it made me laugh at college.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Whiz for St Custards!

Jobs? Chiz mone droan, that's what I say. But if you must have one, being a beak is good enuff if you like elbo patchs.

Gadjo Dilo said...

佳芳佳芳 and Gaw, ah yes of course, the Chinese did invent everything, I should have remembered that!

Boyo, Sigismund the mad maths master sa "Hullo clouds hullo sky" is 66 times mor populer then "hello clouds hello trees" but I kno he find this on Google for he to is uterly wet and a weed :-) I wish I could remember something funny from Punch...

Kevin, elbo patchs canes and smoking in the starff room - honestly to look at the ashtrays full of dog ends there anywun would think they went around picking ours up.

inkspot said...

The moast important thing is to get the smell rite in yure new skool. Aim for a mixture of stew, flore pollish and wet boy.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Inky, true, if by getting the smell right I can jog my students' memories of their skool days then maybe they'll be more receptive to my teaching. ("Wet boy"?)

Pat said...

St God's 'cos I was born and bred a Unitarian with R.C. undertones from my Irish Gran until Dad caught us coming back from her church with a shiny prayer book in my hand and a holy look on my phisog.
I trust you will do pro active spelling so they will spell winders then clean 'em.

Scarlet Blue said...

Another vote for St Custards!
Definitly not for sissys!

Gadjo Dilo said...

Pat, born and bred a Unitarian, eh? There's not many of those in UK - at least, you're the first I have met. Spelling will be very pro active at our skool, to the standard demonstrated in this blog post, and will be rigorously enforced :-)

Scarlet, hurrah, St Custards hav another vote and yah boo sucks to Fotherington-Thomas!

Kevin Musgrove said...

Speling bee vs St. Blobs Wendsday, bring some bullseyes and a peeshooter. Chiz.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Kevin, it's a date!