Tuesday, November 17, 2009

President John

Hi folks, the saucy mood has now well and truly left me, the reason being that around the corner on November 22nd we have The Romanian Presidential Elections, which are not sexy at all. However, despite that, and on account of the recent Berlusconi revelations, I’ve decided to take a prostitute’s-eye view of this event and hereby present my analysis of the seven most high profile candidates based on how they’d be as Sex Industry clients.

Traian Băsescu PDL (centre-right): The incumbent president. They tried to impeach him on corruption charges, but failed, and many Romanians believe their motive was that he was trying to stop their corruption, so he’s a fair chance of being re-elected. A “bluff” and “blustering” former sea captain who regularly pisses off all other politicians, so he might taste a bit rank, and having had a girl in every port he probably fancies himself in the sack, but is the charm now wearing a bit thin? Salty. Recent poll prediction 31%. Trick Rating 8/10.

Mircea Geoană PSD (socialists - and former communists - though culturally conservative): A career diplomat and former ambassador to USA, but Mrs Dilo says he’s as thick as two planks and Cluj students have gouged out the eyes on all his posters here. Would want it straight like he used to do it with his wife before she couldn’t be bothered any more, so you might have to tell him “no kissing”, but he’d be the only one not to think to take his wallet with him when he needed the bathroom. Dopey. Recent poll prediction 32%. Trick Rating 6.5/10.

Crin Antonescu PNL (economic liberalists): A PNL man got Cluj it's famous new Nokia factory, but how much economic liberalism can a country like Romania take?? Antonescu's a former Minister for Sport, but his forename means “Lily” and he has the blank, light-blue eyes of a man not entirely comfortable with his own masculinity. Would make straight for your wardrobe, then ask to be spanked with your hairbrush. A drag, but with the best blackmail opportunities, so keep your camera handy. Kinky. Recent poll prediction 18%. Trick Rating 7/10.

Hunor Kelemen UDMR (Democratic Union of Hungarians in Romania): I guess all ethnic Hungarians (6.6% of the population) will vote for him but, barring an otherwise poor turnout, this won’t be enough. Seems decent and probably with acceptable person hygiene – though you might catch a dose of Magyar Moustache rash - but would pull out half-way through the job for no apparent reason and start lecturing you about the iniquities of the 1920 Treaty of Trianon like it was your fault. Haughty. Recent poll prediction 6%. Trick Rating 7.5/10.

Sorin Oprescu (Independent): The current mayor of Bucharest – which is also the path that Băsescu took to the presidency. Looks like John Inman’s miserable old git of an older brother, and mean with it too, so would probably just want to watch and then grouse about the price afterwards. But he’s also a qualified medical doctor, so you could ask his advice about any STDs you’d picked up from the others. Stingy. Recent poll prediction 5%. Trick Rating 6/10.

Vadim Tudor Greater Romania Party (ultra-nationalist): Standard tosser along the lines of Nick Griffin, Jean Marie le Pen, etc. with irredentist policies toward Moldova, Transnistria, Northern Bukovina and probably also the parts of Spain and several British nursing homes where Romanians are now a large proportion of the population. Would want to drape you in the Romania flag and eat sarmale off your naked breasts. Flakey. Recent poll prediction 6%. Trick Rating 1/10.

Gigi Becali: (Self-Serving Bigotted Criminal Gobshite Party): MEP, owner (kinda) of Steaua Bucharest football club and the most corrupt man in Romania (recently sent goons to bribe Cluj players in a match vital to Steaua’s Champions League chances, but somehow got away with it, again). Would drink a bottle of Iancu, call you “a dirty whore”, then chuck a wad of readies on the bed (all of which except the visible one being no longer legal tender). Oh, and he's got a centre-parting. Nasty. Recent poll prediction n/a. Trick Rating 0/10.

(NB: Andy of Csíkszereda musings can probably give you much more accurate and responsible punditry about all this.) We heard one of them - Geoană or Antonescu - spouting off on the radio recently and he was definitely of the Ruth Badger school of self-belief and historical inevitability, which gave me a great idea for my own personally approved candidate: yes, after coming second in the second series of The Apprentice (UK) – where Sir Alan ultimately chose, well, anybody except Ruth Badger - it’s Badger or Bust.... it’s Our Ruthie for President of Romania!

16 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

The big question is: Who is Nastase supporting? He would obviously be a 10/10 trick rating. I'm sure a lot of Romanian hookers would give him a freebie out of patriotism and nostalgia.

Gaw said...

Have you been consulting with Jeffrey Archer? It seemed all very insightful to me.

At least there's no Mark Oaten-type in the field. Now that truly was disgusting.

The Jules said...

Pimp my president eh?

I wonder what they'd drive.

Ana said...

If all elections were covered in this way, I might be able to get interested. A candidate's trick rating likely says as much about him as his agenda, if not more.

Gyppo Byard said...

Fascinating insight. You know more about the sex business than makes me feel entirely comfortable...

Alice Scradcza said...

I would just tell you the old Lithuanian proverb: 'If you don't strike your arc truly, you are just left in a state of flux.'

Nota Bene said...

You've inspired me to do the same for next year's UK election. Sadly, I started with Gordon Brown, and don't feel able to continue

inkspot said...

Sea captain? The Romanians are easily satisfied if the Black Sea counts. But I can believe that tarts would be impressed by a man (Trajan) with a large column.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Not in a saucy mood!!!

Good to know you've got your fair share of sleaze bags but now I need to see the women capable of dealing with them, I remember a woman singing in a bark dress a while back, with women like that how can those men stay around?

Lulu LaBonne said...

to clarify: I remember your post featuring the woman in the bark dress

Gadjo Dilo said...

Bananas, yes, Nastase might be a 10/10 by any patriotic call girl's reckoning, but he gets it for free anyway so I can't invisage this situation ever arising.

Gaw, Jeffrey Archer did indeed provide the background story on which I based this, but I had to flesh out his charaters a little to make them more three-dimensional ;-) Mark Oaten, urgh.

The Jules, Pimp my President would be a great alternative title for this. I intend to do some Top Gear-type posts in future as it seems that's the most sure-fire path to make my blog Wold famous.

Ana, if I have got you interested in the Romanian presidential elections, by whatever means, then I consider this a job well done. And, indeed, a candidate's trick rating may well reveal his/her secret agenda.

Gyppo, thanks, but don't worry, as I said to Gaw previously the background info all comes from the fertile mind of Jeffrey, Baron Archer of Weston-super-Mare!

Alice, lovely Alice, and haven't we all been there? I know I have, and I wasn't even welding at the time.

Nota Bene, welcome to this blog! (First time, isn't it)? I'm so out of touch with Britain these days. But it takes a foreigner to provide real insight to a cultiure (like wot I just done, eh?)

Inky, ah, my good man, I knew I could I could rely on you for an apposite cultural reference :-) (I feel a post about Romanian names for boys coming on.) The Black Sea is< a sea, though, and sometimes a very rough and unpleasent one by all accounts.

Lulu, sorry, it was all a bit low-class, wasn't it, but just consider it investigative journalism rather than slease and you'll feel more comfortable with it ;-) The woman in the bark dress was Elena Ceauşescu, surely the most hated woamn in all communism; sadly there seems to be a lack of female candidates, partly due to the neanderthal attitudes encouraged by, for instance, the PSD.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

You need someone like Boyko Borisov the PM of Bulgaria and former mayor of Sofia. All the tarts in Bucharest would be working for him.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Hi Daphne, yes he does rather look the type doesn't he. Not a glamourous job, prostitution, though if he had so many on his payroll he presumably wouldn't trouble any given one that often.

Madame DeFarge said...

I have to say they're all enough to make me turn to female companionship. None of them look like they'd call you a taxi afterwards. And some of those suits look decidedly cheap. It makes you wonder what the Cheeky Girls saw in Lempit Obik.

No Good Boyo said...

I'm sure that in true Romanian fashion none of these gentlemen would dream of accepting money for services rendered to the putaines of Bucharest.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Madame, quite, not a "gentleman" caller amongst them. I'm more and more convinced that Mr Opik flatters to deceive, and unfortunately even the Cheeky Girls with their superior intelligence could not see through him.

Boyo, Romanians accept money wherever they can get it, and I'm sure wouldn't see taxing the Bucharest ladies as immoral earnings.