Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Fantasy Island Discs #1

Here's a completely arbitary list of records I’d like to be made. As on Desert Island Discs there are eight of them; the one I’d want with me if all the rest where washed away would be the one that I want to like but never actually listen to, and the book that I’d want with me apart from the Bible and the Complete Works of Shakespeare’s Sister (... is that still a stipulation??) would be Harry Potter and the Witch-Finder General.

#1: The Dark Side of Keith Moon by Pink Floyd (with The Stockhausen Sinfonietta): The sound of television sets smashing on pavements, occasional tables being thrown against walls and baseball bats hitting Corby trouser presses.

#2: Smells Like Methylated Spirit by Nirvana: I’m not condoning imbibing meths, but if poor old Kurt Cobain had chosen this as his tipple instead of the smack then I wonder if, rather than dead, he might simply be blind, mad, and with an extremely unpleasant taste in his mouth.

#3: Glaswegian Rhapsody by Queen: “I see a little silhouetto of a man”… “You lookin’ at me?”… “Scaramouche,scaramouche will you do the fandango?”… “Sassanach, eh??”… “Thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening meeee!!”… “Aye, sonny, and this is only me second-best Stanley knife!

#4: The Three of Clubs by Motörhead: In which Lemmy owns up that, despite having slept with 1,200 women and being covered in warts, when playing cards he can’t always guarantee to have the ace of spades in his hand. On the B-side he apologises for being a Nazi fetishist f**kwit and for using diacritics inappropriately.

#5: Live at Strangeways by Morrisey: Johnny Cash made a record called Live At Folsom Prison, which apparently is a classic of the genre, and The Smiths released an album called Strangeways, Here We Come. If Mozza was any sort of man he’d follow through on this and perform to the Scallies there; and, considering that his fanbase is the most astonishingly diverse of any singer ever, he’d probably do alright.

#6: Heartbreak Motel by Elvis: Like Heartbreak Hotel but it’s a bit cheaper and more convenient when parking your car. It’s never easy to get over heartbreak, but this time it’s lighter on your wallet and you can move on more quickly.

#7: Music to Watch Girls Buy by Andy Williams: Guys, ever been clothes shopping with your Significant Other? Ghastly, wasn’t it. Didn’t you wish there’d at least been a soundtrack to it? This follow up song by Mr Williams is a medley: You Wear it Well (so why don’t we just get buy it and get this over with), You've Lost that Loving Feeling, We Gotta Get Out Of This Place and Girlfriend in a Coma.

#8: Great Balls of Fur by Jerry Lee Lewis: He played the piano with his feet and with his arse and then married his 13-year-old first cousin; I reckon it would’ve been a great finale to his act if he’d then coughed up a couple of large fur-balls.

To end, of course, here's the Desert Island Discs theme tune By The Sleepy Lagoon by Eric Coates. So make yourself a mug of Horlicks, stoke the fire up, put a blanket over your lap and forget that New Labour, the X-Factor, Jade Goody, the 60s, etc ever happened. Nighty night!

19 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Well, they always said Jerry Lee Lewis was a cool cat. Did you watch the Andy Williams show? Was there a comedy bear on that show or did I dream it?

Gaw said...

Simply brilliant Gadj. I laughed. But I think you'll find the Holy Bible is by the Manic Street Preachers.

BTW one of the greatest thrills of my life is that I'm on diffident nodding terms with Animal from Motorhead who lives around the corner from me.

Gyppo Byard said...

Outstanding post!

Some day, I will write "Harry Potter and Wizard's Greatest Hits", and be the first man ever to be sued by JK Rowling and Roy Wood at the same time...

Lulu LaBonne said...

My shopping record is by Ian Dury, New Boots and Panties, somehow Reasons To Be Cheerful seems to go with this one

Scarlet-Blue said...

These boots are made for tripping over in
The sound of me cursing, falling up a kerb and then bashing my head on a parking meter.
Sx

Kevin Musgrove said...

Splendid stuff.

I'm still hankering after the Burkiss Way's "Elvis Presley Live In The Gents At St. Pancras: I'm All Shook Up"

Gadjo Dilo said...

Bananas, I can't say I ever watched the Andy Williams show - is it possible that there was a comedy bear on it? Maybe you've been in the jungle too long and your dreams are telling you something.

Gaw, thanks. So do you address your neighbour as "Animal" or "Mr Animal"?? (I bet a lot of his mail gets delivered to his dog by mistake, eh?) It's the diacritics that really rankle, please ask him if he can have a work with Mr Lemmy about this.

Gyppo, I reckon young Daniel Radcliffe has pop-star potential - with Roy Wood's expert tuition. But JK "Richer that the Queen" Rowling could afford more lawyers than OJ Simpson, so watch it!

Lulu, ah, that record also had a seminal influence on my young life! I never understood why it was called that though.

Scarley, you must compile a list of records that tell us about you and your life. Though I can't think of any right now that include the word "ginger" so am unable to make any predictable jokes ;-)

Kevin, I remember that!! Elvis sings "I'm All Shook Up", then we hear the sound of a toilet being flushed. The Burkiss Way (to Dynamic Living) was excellent, it's a shame it's not better remembered.

Gaw said...

I'm afraid I haven't got past the diffident nod stage and that was only arrived at after standing in the queue in the newsagents together every so often over a number of years. He's not a broadsheet reader and I'd hesitate to raise the issue of diacritics with him. In any event, I believe he and Lemmy experienced some musical differences (rather than grammatical) and don't talk to each other much nowadays.

Pearl said...

Beautiful. I laughed.

I met Lemmy at First Avenue (the bar in Minneapolis in Prince's Purple Rain movie). Tried to buy him a beer but he told me no thanks, Yank beer tastes like piss. I was 20 at the time and was shocked, as the word "piss" is not in common usage here. Loved the concert anyway.

Pearl

Eddie 2-Sox said...

I really envy you clever bloggers. I enjoy your stuff though, ACE!

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

You know blogging is a whole second education. I finally got fed up pretending I knew who Motorhead and Lemmy were - not American after all? - and Googled, only to find that it was him off of Hawkwind! Good Lord, he's as old as the hills, or even the Stones. Excuse me, I'm just going to have a blast of 'Silver Machine' on the gramophone ....

Gadjo Dilo said...

Gaw, how thrilling! Tell us, does Mr Animal reveal his sensitive side in the newsagents by buying, say, Embroidery Today (then quickly secreting it of course within the pages of a copy of Kerrang!)? And it's hard to believe that there can have been "musical differences" over works of such musical purity as "Bomber", "Overkill" and "March ör Die" (sic).

Hi Pearly! What a rude and ungrateful man. Still, I hate to say it, but there's a grain of truth in what he says: American beer does taste a little bit like piss - it simply needs more hops and malted barley.

Mr Eddie, welcome to you. I'm not sure it was really that clever, merely a process that comes naturally to any fan of Radio 4's I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue!

Daphers, you've still got a gramophone? I salute you :-) Lemmy out of Motorhead certainly seems to have been the star of this list, and I shall endeavour to write a whole post dedicated to either him or his genre.

No Good Boyo said...

In defence of adopted Welshman Lemmy Out Of Motorhead, I ought to point out that he said "no thanks" to Pearl's kind offer. That counts as nea-Florentine courtesy west of the Dyke.

When people ask about the state of our lawn, Madame Boyo has now learned to tell them that Motorhead moved in next door.

Having said that, Sam Adams is a fine brew. Pearl should have brandished a toad at him - the only known way to vanquish Lemmy.

The Jules said...

Very good!

I think it only fair that Noddy Holder et al release a few sequels.

"IT'S EEEAAASSTTEEEERRRRR!"

"IT'S YOM KIPPPPUUUURRRRR!"

"IT'S RRRRAAAAMMMMAAAADDDAAANNN!"

And so on and so forth.

Madame DeFarge said...

(I remember the Burkiss Way and can never think of Croydon without thinking of Eric Pode).

Desperado - the story of one woman's search for a public toilet in central London. Heartfelt.

Ana said...

I would add to your playlist "Porn in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen and (for Gorilla Bananas) "Mock the Monkey" by Peter Gabriel.

By the way, I've moved to a new location. Click on my pic and stop by for a visit next time you're around!

Gadjo Dilo said...

Boyo, ah yes, well spotted, the "thanks" there almost gave Mr Lemmy away as the son of an RAF chaplain (which he was) rather than the denizen of Ynys Môn (which he became). I sincerely hope that Sam Adams is better than Bud or Miller Lite.

Julesy, you read my mind: I want dedicate an entire post to Nod and the lads at some time! "It's New Year's Daaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!" would also be good, shouted in your earhole when you're just waking from the hangover.

Madame, hurrah, another fan, now we are three! U2's "I Still haven't Found What I'm Looking For" would also work for that scenario.

Hi Ana, I'm all in favour of taking a gentle rise out of Mr Springsteen songs, and I envisage the video to your suggestion featuring those exceptionally shiny women who I never found attractive who feature on the covers of Playboy. I shall look at your new location right now.

Kevin Musgrove said...

The Yorkshire Working Men's Club Choir could perform "The Night Has A Thousand Aye, Lads;" Jeffrey Archer could beguile us with his rendition of "Let's Twist Again."

And we'd have to do the Tolkein thing again and sing "You're Getting To Be A Hobbit With Me."

Gadjo Dilo said...

Ouch, Kevin, ouch, and thrice I say ouch! I've always reckoned that a frozen peas advert to the tune of Engelbert Humperdink's "Please Deep-Freeze Me" would be a good idea.