Wednesday, July 15, 2009

TV Transylvania #4

In a last-ditch attempt I finally got in touch with the Director General: I made myself up to look like one of his squeezes and sauntered as slinkily as I could into the Trans TV mansion hoping to curry his favours. He said he hadn’t received my previous suggestions for TV programmes, would immediately fire all his secretarial staff, had a new position for me and felt sure I could handle it. It was ghastly. But then I hit him with my brilliant idea and he stopped trying to remove my Moldovan peasant bodice - 24 very small buttons, ladies, not so stupid after all - with his horrible hairy hands. The idea is this: Romanians don’t need new TV programmes – they’re still watching reruns of Dallas, waiting to see if it was still just Bobby’s dream - but we can make programmes to sell abroad. Cheap labour costs and low production values ensure we can make anything more cheaply here. Here’s my first programme idea, triggered by comments on Lulu’s blog about my wife’s regrettable attitude towards lower life forms:


A knockout competition, where each week several contestants vie for this title. The format will be based on the hugely entertaining (and cheap) British TV programme Banzai and, as there, will be narrated by the great Burt Kwouk and is in no way intended to be an accurate depiction of the way people from Asia or anywhere else really speak etc etc etc:

Contestant 1: Look like baldy bloke from Bucharest but he say he Tibetan spiritual leader! Live in luxury penthouse monastery, spend disciples’ money on beer and say to world leaders not to visit him as he don’t give shit about their problems – yeah, he Lama With Bad Karma!!!

Contestant 2: He say he “Vlad Impaler Number 2” and carry big spike of wood around with him – look proper plonker! Ha ha ha!! Say he going make kebab with giant panda, Siberian tiger and very endangered Javan rhino - if you do matey you coming back as a worm for sure!!!

Contestant 3: This one say he Richard Gere and want to be Buddhist, but he make stupid films for girls and stick a hamster up his jacksie - that not in teachings of Awakened One... you go back to California Freaky Man, even World's Worst Buddhist too good for you!!!

Contestant 4: This one Mrs Dilo; in daytime work as nurse but when has day off she sure no angel!! Today she squash 5 snails, 3 frogs, throw brick at dickey bird, punch cute bunny rabbit in face and kick little baby dog across street – she don’t care nuffing!!!!!

OK. Test 1 is break paving slabs on head for 10 minutes like Shaolin monk while chanting sacred mantra “Steven Seagal world’s best Buddhist and movie actor” without being sick, going to toilet or crying for your mummy.



Gorilla Bananas said...

The baldy bloke from Bucharest can't win because he's only a mediocre Buddhist. Whereas Mrs Dilo claim to be any kind of Buddhist looks very thin. Can she meditate serenely while you make annoying noises?

Lulu LaBonne said...

I love your lady look Gadj, not surprised the DG fancied you.

I imagine Mrs Dilo to be very fierce - I have just been to the bookies to put £100 on her to win.

Ta for the link. Your programme idea has just inspired my next blog post

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Why do I smell a rigged game here? Of course, your spouse seems to be a cert, and that paving slabs breaking will be a breeze. I'm sure that being a loving hubby you will be only too glad to help out with the procedure. Like I would.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Er... I meant in case my old lady were running...

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

"Romanian nurse" - hm, the stuff of nightmares. It was bad enough in Poland. I hear it's been very hot in Romania, Gadj, have you got a touch of the sun?

The Jules said...

Romanian drag chic is hot!

Gaw said...

Just to even things up a bit, I think Test 2 should see the contestants being chased across the Carpathians by ravening wolves, with the loser being the first one eaten.

Scarlet-Blue said...

My God, I used to love Banzai!
...Actually, here in the UK we're still watching re-runs of Dallas... and The House of Eliot..and Upstairs Downstairs.'s this or Big Brother... the choice is yours.

Vinogirl said...

Fun stuff :)
Thanks for visiting Vinsanity.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Bananas, though she's poor at Buddhism she could meditate serenely as she has the facility of her countrymen of cutting herself off mentally from the world around.

Lulu, thanks ;-) I thought it was a bit "mumsy" but it seems the DG was happy for a change from the usual fluff he consorts with. Mrs Dilo's actually not fierce at all: being of peasant stock, animals are usually for eating or carrying things, but she's recently befriended 2 stray cats with no prompting from me :-)

Yo, Snoop; come on this is Eastern Europe, man... you think I'm going to set up a competition and then just let anybody win??! I'm sure your old lady could finish a good second - send the money to usual address.

Daphers, why a touch of the sun? Admittedly, the second half doesn't make any sense unless you've seen Banzai. But Mrs D. really is a Romanian nurse - and a good one at that; and I only did what I did to gain a foothold in the entertainment industry - many have done much worse!

The Jules, hi, hmmm, I wasn't expecting the drag aspect to be the main draw here, but thanks anyway for your enthusiasm.

Gaw, when you said "Test 2" I thought you meant the cricket; but yes, good idea, or thrown into a pit full of screaming Japanese schoolgirls.

Scarley, ah, then I hope you understand what I was trying to do here! (If only I could afford Burt's voice-over services, then I could convince the others too.)

Vinogirl, you're welcome, I'll try to pay another visit soon :-)

Alice Scradcza said...

I want a television programme like Master Chef in England, but welding. Is called Master Welder - "Welding does not get tougher than this!"

Each programme, people start with gas welding a little piece steel, then finally something really complex - like titanium to aluminium.

"What we are looking for is a piece of EXCEPTIONAL welding."

Would be big success.

Kevin Musgrove said...

the time must be right for a re-launch of International Pro-Celebrity Ker-Plunk

Madame DeFarge said...

I think I need a Moldovan peasant bodice, or at least I should have had one at uni.

I'd put money on Mrs D. She sounds like a butt kicking non-nonsense sort. But how could even one such as she cope with saying that about Steven Seagal without feeling ill?

Gadjo Dilo said...

Dear Alice, nice to have you here. You have an interesing profile, and lovely hair if I may say so. Great idea about the welding; Mrs Dilo's father is a keen welder, does it without a mask on, then has to spend the next two days in bed half-blind!

Kevin, another great idea - we don't see nearly enough of Jimmy Tarbuck and Dickie Henderson on our screens these days.

Madame, ah, saucy, now we're finding out some juicy info! I've clearly painted Mrs Dilo in the wrong light: she's actually a caring, sensitive person who has promised never to hurt another living thing. Steven Seagal excepted, obviously.

inkspot said...

Welding! Fantastic idea. Titanium to aluminium... can you even do that? Alice, give us more.

Gadj, why does Mr Dilo-in-law weld without a mask? I mean, what possible upside is there?

Alice Scradcza said...

Ačiū, Mr Dilo and Mr Inkspot. In Lithuania, is an old saying I try to translate. "He is not a welder who rust to cow-shit can not stick!"

Kevin Musgrove said...

Alice, with your leave I am adopting that as my workplace philosophy.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Inky, the titanium to aluminium thing - sorry I missed earlier - indeed has "prime-time" stamped all over it. The only upside to not using a mask is having your face free to chat, eat your lunch, pick your nose, etc - he's a veritable multi-tasker my father-in-law.

Alice, ah, it took me a few minutes to parse the syntax but I get it now! Prime-time prime-time prime-time - we should form the production company right now.

Kevin, I expect to see it on posters in libraries up and down Helminthdale on Monday morning!

Flores Hayes said...

ooo...I love pandas.
Here I bought a cuddly panda bag (L) that I can hardly put it down!
I believe it is a GREAT find for every panda fanatic!
Flor (