Saturday, July 12, 2008

Morning Has Broken Me

A strange thing’s happened to me, chaps: I’m so desperate for reminders that comedy, irony, make-believe, etc still exist in the world that I awake bolt upright in bed at 6am and rush to my computer to read your blog posts. But prior to this I was slug no. 1. When I lived in Denmark somebody told me that humanity divides into A-People and B-People: the former like the morning, and get up early with Mr Dickie Blackbird so they can enjoy even more of it; the latter are normal people who don’t wish to be alive, let alone awake, at any time before 10:00am. The Danish person then explained that A-People run the world: simply by getting up early they can seize the levers of power before their snoozy cousins have even seized their genitals. They can therefore dictate that in order to go to work, earn money, buy things, get wives and produce offspring (yeah? you see the chain reaction here?) you have to get up at 6:00am, which of course they already do. I think this is called “positive feedback” in Control Engineering terminology, or "a self-reinforcing and unbreakable tyranny".

Though morning itself is not the problem. Even hard B-People accept – and why wouldn’t they, they’re not unreasonable - that mornings have a right to exist. Reminds me of comedian Phill Jupitus’s session on BBC TV programme Room 101. He’s arachnophobic. But, very reasonably, I think you’ll agree, he accepts that spiders have a right to exist, the same as any other species. What he can’t stand is people that annoy him with spiders, concealing them in matchboxes etc and then letting them out in his face knowing that he hates them. And it’s the same with mornings because, left alone, mornings will simply go away and not bother us. The problem is the people who say “Oh, what a lovely morning!”, “Rise and shine!” and, yeah, worst of all “Come on, you’re missing the best part of the day!!” Tra la la. These people rule not by merit but by lucky biometabolic coincidence. Now it seems I’m one of them and I suppose this should feel like a triumph; but it doesn’t, because being awake in the morning is supposed to feel crap.


Kevin Musgrove said...

The B-People rule the world because they spend all night inventing smoke-and-mirror effects to convince the A-People that they're in charge.

By the time a B-Person has arrived at work all the A-People have descended into bickering anarchy in search of a neutral umpire.

No Good Boyo said...

Musgrove is right, Gadjo. I have set out less pithy proof of this here:

No Good Boyo said...

Ahem. Here we go again:

The Dotterel said...

I'm up (with the lark) regularly at five and six each morning, and it doesn't matter if it's pissing down or if the sun is shining - it still feels crap!

M C Ward said...

I get up early and I don't rule nuffink. Where do I apply for my refund?

Can Bass 1 said...

Personally, I find the early morning *so* invigorating!

Mrs Pouncer said...

What I particularly loathe are those hideous "lifestyle" interviews in the Sunday supplements that read "I rise at dawn .... blah blah ... yoga .... blah blah .... bake bread .... write 170000 words .... blah blah .... beautiful wife & well-behaved children .... lots of money blah". Hate it. I put off facing the day for the fear it may disappoint, but it hardly ever does, happily.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Well hello everybody! It's so warming to get a few comments – and I thought it'd take me months of whinging thinly disguised as "observational comedy".

Mr Musgrove: You're quite right of course, there is another side to this story. But, as often, one (i.e. me) cuts one ethical cloth to fit ones shortcomings.

Mr Boyo: Heh, nice one! You clearly have infinitely more experience than I have in this sort of thing - and in the dissecting of it with the keen scalpel of comedy.

Mr Dotterel: If I was you I'd get a new lark. I can send you one, we've got loads here. The one you've got now is clearly a thoughtless little bastard.

Mr Ward: Have you been paying to get up early?? Your lifestyle consultant is clearly taking you for the ride of your life. But, respect, I also know how charming Brazilians can be.

Mr Can Bass 1: I’d have imagined with your basso profundo voice you’d have thrown open the windows every day and sung Oh, what a beautiful mornin', Oh, what a beautiful day. I got a beautiful feelin', Ev'rything's goin' my way. from Oklahoma! (The apostrophes are not mine, Mrs Pouncer.)

Dear Mrs Pouncer: Exactly, all those vapid, shiny people going on telly and telling us what to do with our lives! I advise you to change you Sunday paper, ma'am. Socialist Worker is very good, and the interior design recommendations are not too challenging.

Ooh, I feel just like Gorilla Bananas now, and I gotta say it feels good.